chweekuey's world of cai por

There is no such thing as a bad student.

2006-10-04T19:54:00.000+08:00

I do believe that there is no such thing as a bad student. There is only such a thing as a student who behaves badly in certain wrong circumstances. Although I am not pleased with particular students from one class for repeated misbehaviours in class despite constant warning, and with another class who are often more full of themselves than showing consideration for others; there are still many instances in which they show that they can do things above some of our worst expectations, in a positive way.

So I guess even if there are a few who have been testing my limits a lot and there will be more who will be testing my limits a lot, I'll try not to experience a 'limit break'

Something is just not right?

2006-09-08T12:26:00.000+08:00

It is definitely a loss for many of us that Steve Irwin has to leave the world in such a sudden fashion. As a matter of fact, many around the world felt such an intense sense of loss that you can find (tu) and (f) on many MSN nicknames around the world. That is simply amazing considering that someone abroad will be given such immense respect by our young. I would also wish to personally express my heartfelt condolences to the family.

Yet, on retrospect, there is also something not very right. I personally cannot find a word to describe this particular situation. While our youth are unappreciative of the common people in their lives, like their families; their school cleaning staff, they go all out for their idols. While there is no doubting Irwin's immense personality, I somehow just feel, has we placed our priorities wrong at times?

support for BTs?

2006-08-22T19:17:00.000+08:00

I know that I am inexperienced and probably need a lot of courses. That, I never did deny. However, despite all the claims of support for us BTs, and in spite of the various support they did show; there is simply no point in providing all the software without giving us hardware. Indeed, it even seemed somewhat hypocritical when they claimed that they are helping us as much as possible.

Many had received it I believe, and my case may be the few odd ones since I was also transferred twice. However, I still wish to ask, how do you expect me to do my best when I don't even have the token?

2 months in teaching and ...

2006-08-20T11:09:00.000+08:00

Turns out that I wasn't posted to Serangoon Secondary with boi boi afterall. Now, I'm in Pei Hwa secondary, a new school that is relatively out of the way. Nonetheless, it is heartening to know that at least Boi Boi and Sophie are in the same cluster N4 as I do. There will certainly be many instances whereby we can meet up.

Having said that, I must confess that it was not an easy posting. Seems like I am still very much attached to the kids at Macpherson, especially those from NPCC, 1A and 1C. Kids like Chong Lim, Michelle, Jonathan, Shannon, Leong Tai and many others unspoken will be etched in my memory for a while to come. Sundar recently msned me. I was quite elated to be completely honest. It is encouraging to know that some of your words had a positive impact on your students, however short that time may be. I wish you all the best Sundar. Keep the good work up.

New acquitances aside, how can I forget the very old in Macpherson? They are none other than the two often irritating, at times spastic and forever dedicated cadets (now CIs) that I am extremely proud of. When Jasper came to help and Ee Shang promised to help during a parade, I must confess that I'm honestly elated. Thank you all so much.

Nonetheless, I think I am slowly adjusting in my life in Pei Hwa. It is good to know for one that the HOD is highly supportive and encouraging. I do have perceptions of him in the past, highly misplaced in fact. But, I think I can quite safely say that I find myself able to work with him. Certainly, I do hope that the feelings are mutual. My NPCC colleagues are also very nice. The adjutant especially gave a lasting impression. She's new in the Corps and yet she exudes an enthusiasm that will be quite difficult to find parallels in. Certainly a comrade-in-arms that one will not mind working with. The OC is also experienced and have many ideas for the advancement of the unit. That is good.

As for the students, they are helping a lot too. Many are friendly despite some of my antics in discipline. Some (really some...ie. very few) even voted me most charming recently. I mean it is quite hard to imagine me as charming so I'm pleasantly surprised to know that they genuinely thought me as 'charming' enough. I guess these must be the few in NPCC or in the classes I taught.

I teach 4 classes: 2E1, 2E2, 2E3 and 1T1. Perhaps when the time permits, I will share a bit of something with you kind readers about them. Till then, take care.

posted to serangoon sec with boi boi

2006-05-10T19:46:00.000+08:00

It is quite sad that I have to leave Macpherson and the classes I've taught behind. It is more sad when they messaged me over the web and asked why I accepted a posting to SSS. However, the decision was not left to me. Nonetheless, I am quite happy that the students had wanted me to stay and continue teaching them. That at least is an affirmation that I am not that bad a teacher.

In any case, students come and go. As one of my friends put on her MSN, detachment is the way to happiness.

1A, 1C and 3A macphersonians, I wish you all the best.

practicum scares

2006-02-19T18:17:00.000+08:00

Starting tomorrow.

I am still apprehensive. Quite frightful actually to get such a pressurizing supervisor. I dont need to ace my practicum.

spam!!! How to get rid?

2006-01-10T00:01:00.000+08:00

Well, I do buy quite a far bit of insurance but I don't think I need to insure homes from Chicago even if one of my most far-fetched dreams is to study there!

And I never do find this blog inquisitive. Even if it is, I find it hard to believe that a park ranger knows the Singaporean context well enough to appreciate some of the banter.

Such intrusions shall not be tolerated. :p

Not quite dead yet lol!

2006-01-09T23:54:00.000+08:00

AKM as usual asked a very silly question. He asked if i was dead since I did not update this particular blog as regularly. Well some reasons for that.

1. Internet connection is now shared.
2. I've been busy meeting up with old friends during the holidays.
3. Since I have not that many ideas to share as my mind get blunted with nie doctrines, I think it best not to blog that often.

Pearl is however quite insistent on getting me gifts. LOL! Well, I am getting something for myself but it is wierd that I get the thing then bring a receipt for claiming purpose. Where got birthday gift like that one? :p

Aiyoyo Strikes!!!

2005-12-05T20:28:00.000+08:00

(Trans) "Although I did not win the ten most popular female actress ten times consecutively, I think this is the tenth time I won the award. I don't know which award I should take the next time round."

Pun seriously intended, and the moment for me during the whole award. Salute! :D

The worst is literally over?

2005-10-28T11:40:00.000+08:00

The last major project had just been submitted, barring the field trip package. The worst is of course over considering that the assignments to be handed in are no longer packed together. I do not like to compete with other people. None at all, but there is certainly a person whom I like to compete, who is myself. I do feel frustrated when I know I can deliver my work better but eventually failing to do so. That is why in some of the assignments in school, I tend to try to do a bit more. But, that is still doing something for myself.

But, I wonder about the applicability of much of the things we learnt in NIE. During a previous attachment, I was told that we need to unlearn much of what we learnt in NIE to survive in the real school setting. Till now, I think about the wisdom, or the lack of it, in such a statement.

It is time then to reconsider the purpose in the education that we are receiving in NIE. Ultimately, it is for the students' good because we simply cannot go into a school armed with zero knowledge. I think as long as we view our learning as a self-developmental process to help our students in the future, the time in NIE will be neither irrelevant nor torturous.

Is the worst over? I think to quote Jarett, the best is yet to be.

Doing nothing at my new home and a random thought

2005-09-25T21:45:00.000+08:00

Today was simply great because I was doing zero work. It has been a very very long while since I last do nothing in NIE. I admit that life in NIE is not easy and quite stressful but I think there is a way to tide over it if I can manage my time more properly and lower the expectations I have of the work to be handed in. Granted, I was trying to drown myself in work but that cannot be forever used as the convenient reason to absolve responsibility. Already, I'm termed the 'market crasher'; and while I do hope that when my friends said it, they meant it in a jovial way; I really don't like crashing the market to put stress on people. Hopefully they remain as cool.

Anyways, I left Evelyn's house and reach the hall quite early but all I did was clean the tabletops, windows, sweep and mop the floor, and washed clothes. The room was like a pig sty considering that both boi boi and I did not have time to cleanup because of the large amount of assignments. I went on to watch the first episode of one particular anime that Felicia burnt for me before dinner. BoA sang the theme and it's quite nice I feel. So next I filed my various worksheets but the most fulfilling thing is being able to read other people's blog to find out how they are.

Reading Shi Zhi's blog made me wonder about what sort of a son I am. I do hate the shithole in the west but I also don't like to go home. In fact, I quite enjoy myself in NIE despite the stupid workload because not only are the usual suspects around, new members had joined the gang. I know that I am quite unfillial considering that I could have given the money for Advent Pieces (aka self-pampering) to my parents but honestly, I am quite sick of going back home only to be treated as an atm. Being constantly demanded for money but unappreciated, and hurled curses when no money can be withdrawn. That's why I stayed over at F's on friday for supper and E's on saturday for some mj. I don't like to go home and be treated like an outcast. The room's not mine, the only place I can sleep or do work houses a new bicycle and I cannot even move it away? Yes, I love my mum and I still try to give her as much money as possible but I don't like to give money to freeloaders. I chose to put about 35-40% of my income into insurances because I know that I'm the only breadwinner eligible for them and if I am to die, what would happen to the other three? If my intentions are to be seen as selfish ones, then I shall act selfishly but that is childish and spoilt, I do know.

Maybe I should just move out altogether? Tempting thought. But considering the way I am actually living in the shithole of the west, and unconsciously calling it home everytime, I think I had already moved out. I think it's quite contradictory that I'm still a conservative and family type of person who likes to have home-cooked meals but yet, I also enjoy the freedom of living alone.

FF Advent Pieces!!!!

2005-09-25T16:09:00.000+08:00

I've got my own advent pieces!!!!!! For those in the know, the backdrop of this blog is actually one of the official wallpapers for Final Fantasy VII advent children. I've already bought the first print dvd (all pictures from playasia.com

but when I saw the limited advent pieces, I plunged straight in and bought it (thanks to Raaha!):

This is how the box looked like when I opened the package.

These are the items inside and I must confess that I'm grinning all the way during the unpacking! Here's more pictures in detail.

The 3 CDs for Final Fantasy VII international edition. I don't think I will take these out to play...

The special compilation disc.

Final Fantasy VII Advent Children DvD.

The anime OVA.

The script but it's in Japanese.

And here's the T-Shirt sealed up. It's a simple black T with the Cloud Wolf symbol.

They've also given a cap and a cylinder that houses it.

Cloud. (Though I would have preferred Tifa of course... :p)

And Fenrir, Cloud's motorbike. You can assemble them (Cloud, his weapon and Fenrir) together into one display piece!

The actual figurines looked much nicer than this poor quality picture though!

And lastly, this keychain:

that houses my own special number! I guess I'm the proud owner of set # 41186 out of 77777 in the world. If only the number is more 'special' or personal but that is asking a bit too much. I'm contented already!!!!!!

童年

2005-09-05T19:11:00.000+08:00

While listening to the songs from my laptop, one song by Sylvia Chang stood out. Don't know why but a lot of nostalgia settled it when I listened to that simple melody and reflect on the lyrics of the song.

When I was young, all I wanted was to grow up. It ranges from a simple and stupid reason like wanting to play Mahjong with my elders to one more abstract like the yearning for freedom. Indeed, I did not like the fact that I had to report home on time to do homework. Thinking back, I realized that I could have died just like that if a fire occurred since I do not have access to the keys of the house. I cannot even go to my neighbour's, who coincidentally is Jeramin's primary classmate, house to see him play that popular dragonball Z roleplaying game.

Whenever the chance presents itself then, I would go out and play with my school friends, buy sticker albums from with money I took without asking from my parents' drawer and even throw water bombs into my 'enemy's' house across the block. Caning and being caged was quite the norm and I wanted to escape from home. I even tried packing my bags and running away but was soon caught since I was too young to differentiate NSEW then.

Finally, it could be said that I finally got my wish of independence. Perhaps but with it also comes a certain level of responsibilities. No longer can I skip classes for instance because of the fact that I did not want to attend class. 'You are paid to come to school' was the common excuse used by our most understanding tutors. But that's quite besides the point.

The point is, it seemed as if the pasture on the other side is always significantly greener. Now, I wonder when I'm actually allowed the privilege to let the inner kid inside come out and play. Oh well, perhaps I am simply in quite a foul mood. But the song is still is nice though sadly I cannot provide the music file as I do not have Goldwave in this new laptop. Here's the lyrics then and I believe most of you will be able to hum the tune in your head anyways. Cheerios.

童年

池塘边的榕树上
知了在声声地叫着夏天
操场边的秋千上
只有蝴蝶儿停在上面
黑板上老师的粉笔
还在拼命唧唧喳喳写个不停
等待着下课
等待着放学
等待游戏的童年
福利社里面什么都有
就是口袋里没有半毛钱
诸葛四郎和魔鬼党
到底谁抢到那支宝剑
隔壁班的那个男孩
怎么还没经过我的窗前
嘴里的零食
手里的漫画
心里初恋的童年
总是要等到睡觉前
才知道功课只做了一点点
总是要等到考试以后
才知道该念的书还没有念
一寸光阴一寸金
老师说过寸金难买寸光阴
一天又一天一年又一年
迷迷糊糊的童年
没有人知道为什么
太阳总下到山的那一边
没有人能够告诉我
山里面有没有住着神仙
多少的日子里总是
一个人面对着天空发呆
就这么好奇
就这么幻想
这么孤单的童年
阳光下蜻蜓飞过来
一片片绿油油的稻田
水彩蜡笔和万花筒
画不出一边那一条彩虹
什么时候才能象高年级的同学
有张成熟与长大的脸
盼望着假期盼望着明天
盼望着长大的童年
一天又一天一年又一年
盼望长大的童年

I don't like to live in NTU

2005-08-13T17:16:00.000+08:00

I don't like to live in NTU. Maybe it is because of its location, or rather my room's location, which is so near to Jalan Bahar. The name only reminded me of Sungei Gedong, not that memories were bad in that place for I'd enjoyed days in 46SAR however sucky it seemed then. Yet, there is one factor there that was striking and it is identical to the stifling feeling I get when I am in the hall. Sure, I am always entitled to travel a bit but Jurong Point is not exactly a nice hangout place to be at with its crowds. Sooner or later, I'll get bored with that place and I had already been bored with that place since my days in Sungei Gedong and Pasir Laba.

I sure miss being at home, whereby I can go out even in the middle of the night to get supper or go out with friends after just one call. Many times already I had to tell friends that I cannot; or at times preferring not to; go out because I'm in the hall. I also want to go to Chinatown to just be there for yc but it is just too impractical given the almost everyday morning class. Oh well, I just don't like to restricted in my movements but it had been a most interesting routine of 1) taking 199 to NTU canteen A for lunch, 2) hang out with the usual suspects, 3) dinner at canteen A, 4) walking back to the hall and 5) do work/chit chat online or by phone/play mahjong before I rest for the day.

And it doesn't just stop here because my weekends are affected. 1) I am too tired or lazy to get my butt out on friday night, 2) quite bored also to go out on saturdays especially when Mum's at home and 3) having to go back to hostel earlier to clean up etc. Well, at least I am trying not to do part three the last week and this week since I had engagements with the family. It was my uncle's death anniversary the last week and tomorrow, I'll be going for a seventh month feast.

But isn't hall life supposed to be exciting, you may ask. Sure, if I am a freshie just out from the army or if I possess a bubbly and extroverted personality. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am neither. In fact, I get irritated with the behaviour of some of my neighbours at times as they shouted across rooms calling for their friends in the middle of the night. It just seemed childish at times, considering how they could have walked the extra metres. Of course, if I am in their shoes and knows everybody else in the block, I will most probably shout my heart out like what we did during the steamboat dinner.

Thank goodness then that the majority of them are always there, though it is more rare to see some of the English as CS2 people (save boi boi of course) around: Joo Cheong, Pearl, Shi Zhi, Yue Heng, the Bin Hendris and some of my other teacher friends who always bring a smile when I see them around NIE.

"I am quite the auntie"

2005-08-09T00:05:00.000+08:00

When we were asked to write 20 I am statements, somehow I just wrote down the above as the last I am statement even though I still cannot fathom why i am called an auntie by quite a number of close friends. Shi Zhi continually introduce me to new people as 'auntie keong' and just now, my CI said to me that all your cadets (him included) know that I'm a preacher and an auntie.

Sure, I think i am quite the auntie but what exactly are the qualities I possess that made me an auntie? Is it the calculative, naggy and talkative qualities I have or all or other qualities I did not mention? I wonder but I think they said what they said in good faith.

Oh well, thanks people. Honestly.

A frightening sense of loss

2005-07-30T01:08:00.000+08:00

Gone are the carefree days. It seems that the topics in this blog are now quite repetitive. It's either about what happened in teaching or how's my finances coming along. Frankly, it is frightening, and I think at times, the negativity sort of spread around like today. I was again calculating my finances when I realized that almost everyone's talking about it too. Inevitably, the subject changed to how much our salary would be and some of the acquaintances were even talking about car loans.

Welcome to the grown-up world, whereby it is the dollar and bread and butter issues that count. How to effectively save some money by rushing out to be first to the NIE reception so that you can eat more to replace lunch. When you are using your own money, you tend to be more careful about how you use it. Other issues simply became less important compared to it.

It is thus wonderful that some of us are still able to talk about more intellectual or simply more fun stuff. Thanks to Ching Ling, Joo Cheong, and especially Yue Heng for talking in the NIE library like it was the history honours room.

Where have all the money gone?

2005-07-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

The writer is left with a measly $750.

Deducting $110 for insurance and community chest, he would have $640 left.

It is wonderful that the bank 'forced' Singaporeans to at least save $500 to prevent wastage of money so he actually only had $140 left.

After some simple mathematical operations, the figure should dawn on the writer's mind that he has $8.75 left per day. A manageable sum still if you are not the writer.

"Where has all the money gone?!" The writer screamed in his head. Trying to get some clues from the bank account statement, he realized that he had been spending much on many items, ranging from kettles, water bottle, instant noodles, to a new sandal (so as to protect his dear foot) for his new life in the hostel. As an amateur in the ancient art of palmistry once said, "If you join your fingers together and there are gaps appearing, you are destined to be a spendthrift." Never mind that the amateur is the writer himself. So, he tried to force himself to save by opening up a SAYE account and joined yet another investment plan.

But, the writer realized something, albeit a bit too late, that while the returns are good on paper, he will be tying up his present income for money valued at future rates. In short, minusing inflation, the money gained could jolly well become pittance.

What next? One of his close friend, instead of relying on global technology funds and the know-it-all financial planners, chose to use a little notebook and a pen to indicate cents by cents and dollars by dollars what he spent on. Yes, even a 20 cents donation to the dear NTU freshies were recorded. What an effective way to gauge how much you are spending and discipline oneself from not spending more.

The writer vows to adopt the same system and make accounting sheets with the dear Excel programme to keep tabs. Before that though, he sadly has to fork out yet another 1 buck at least to buy the notebook... %^*£$%

And the same old question remains. How to phat tor?!

Guilty of speeding

2005-07-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

I love the sensation of driving a car beyond a speed of 100km/h. Too much of a good thing can however often lead to an outcome not as good.

Thought provoking...

2005-07-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

It contributes greatly towards a man's moral and intellectual health, to be brought into habits of companionship with individuals unlike himself, who care little for his pursuits, and whose sphere and abilities he must go out of himself to appreciate ... Nathaniel Hawthorne

A tale of two books

2005-07-24T14:15:00.000+08:00

Tales meant for children should be simple, yet magical, I feel. They should tug at your heartstrings and invoke positive emotions of hope, joy and love with just a tiny bit of serving of morality at the end. Snozzberries and square sweets that looked round.

This had not been the case for two books I feel because instead of a story meant for children, they are stories about children for adult. The world is therefore dark and gloomy, full of betrayals and misdeeds and frankly, the sadness and anger it sought to inject is infectious.

In terms of the level of intensity, Rowling's work I find myself going through it for the sake of finishing it (by not wanting to waste the effort used in reading the previous 5 books) but that is common since it is but one part of the whole. I read to want to know more about what will happen.

Hill's I'm the King of the Castle is different. I do not dare to finish it because I don't want to know what will happen since Hill did set up a lot of situations to hint at the outcome. Yet, I read it all the same, not to know about what will happen to the characters in the book like I do when reading the Half-Blood Prince, but to know what might happen in the real world. How many Kingshaws and Hoopers are out there who need but could not find the joy, hope and love in their lives unlike those found in Blyton's book?

I am definitely a longkang fish

2005-07-17T11:48:00.000+08:00

Johan generously invited those of us in DDR's group (and of course others) for his graduation dinner (Thank you very much Johan!) and while it was indeed a most excellent meal, I cannot say the same for the atmosphere. Ching Ling, Li Wei, Pearl and Soon Onn are of course an excellent bunch but something's just not right for my mind continually (almost at least) screamed at the opulence.

For instance, I could not stand it that someone is actually 'pampering' me by holding the chair, letting me sit in and put on my napkin for me. And yes, I shall not be shy to say that having been educated in the finer aspects of coffee shop dining whereby literally everything goes, I simply do not know what 'social etiquette' means. I think Cat High used to offer a course on it but I refused to sign up because of the costs. Anyway, luckily Pearl and Ching Ling was around to remind me what Richard Gere said in Pretty Woman, "You always start from the outside". Yes, I gave in to 'propriety' instead of maintaining a defiant stand. Well, I did make try to make a statement in the end by demanding Chinese Tea instead of English Tea and they only had Oolong. Thankfully, the grade was not bad and the tea managed to do its work and help in the digestion process.

The place by simply being too high class and the people with their almost purr-fect accents just sort of puts me off but its of course a matter of preference despite me feeling like a third-class citizen in my own homeland. But there's no such concept as equality anyway. I should be honoured that I'm allowed to have this chance to live the life of the rich even if it is but a short 3 hours.

No matter what happened...

2005-07-17T11:38:00.000+08:00

For good or for bad in a relationship, it is still an experience. So treasure it. :)

NKF CEO may have lost his credibility...

2005-07-13T15:07:00.000+08:00

and that we are probably funding his taps and Mercedes Benz, this should not stop us from contributing whatever amount of money we can fork out for the truly needy. One question that begs answer however is why NCSS did not realize such blatant misuse of public funds earlier.

To think the patron can be quoted as saying 600K is not much for a person handling a multi-million fund... -_-

I've passed my SMMT!

2005-07-10T12:41:00.000+08:00

Something to be happy about lol! But honestly, I still do not understand the need for such an examination if pedagogy is more important.

Invitation to Kuo Chuan community day

2005-07-05T12:00:00.000+08:00

Hi all,

If you do not know what to do this coming weekend with your loved ones or otherwise, let me announce that saturday (9th July), 9am to 4pm is our community day and we are raising funds for the school. We trainee teachers are tasked with selling $50 worth of tickets. I don't think I can use all so if you people are free, do come down, find me, and I'll pass some tickets to you so that you can buy some presents, play games and spend it on food. Can also dedicate songs to your loved ones if you are bringing them along. I honestly do not think I'll have the time to spend all $50 myself. Of course you can always buy from me(since I am afterall poor) but I'm most prepared to give them away too lah.

The school is located at 10 Bishan Street 13. The campus is just next to the ITE and is one stop from Bishan bus interchange.

Experiencing teaching in Kuo Chuan Presbyterian.

2005-07-03T15:22:00.000+08:00

Thus far, I had taught 2Peace and 2Love and stood in at 3Joy besides the other classes I’ve observed while my CTs were teaching. The lesson with 2P was generally pleasant as I’d got to interact with the kids and gained some feedback about why students hate to study history. Besides the common grievances of the textbook being too thick with much to memorise and write during examinations, the main point is that it is actually up to the teacher to make the lesson interesting. Miss Santha said very astutely that it is also about the students not being able to adjust and get used to the new teachers’ methods. Well, I think she is a very history teacher. Throughout her lesson on types of social systems and government, I believed only 10 minutes out of the whole 1 hr and ten minutes were spent on text material. The remaining hour was spent on relating the facts to the students' experiences. Why did they not greet the school cleaners, how Singapore ensures that there is at least equal opportunities offered, the new Fund proposed by PM Lee and how people do not value money nowadays for instance.

On the other hand, I think I did not conduct myself as well in 2L. First, I think I was most wrong to assume that if I could handle Normal classes in Macpherson, I could teach in Express classes in KCP. Each class is simply unique and hence forever a challenge to teach. Second, I allowed my own judgement to be clouded by some of the remarks I heard from the teachers and students. Perhaps in their mind, 2L may not be the perfect class but I should make my own opinion about it after I had my classes with them. Indeed, entering the class with tingling negative thoughts made one more susceptible to treating them differently and I think students can sense when teachers had a bad impression of them. This is detrimental for both parties. Do not judge but love them was a principle my ex form teacher in Catholic High used to advise me and it remains most relevant. Third, an attempt to pally with them during their groupwork session really failed just like how the principal, Mr Low warned. Some of the girls in the class are beginning to be less respectful but I do hope that it is just a signal that they’re more comfortable with me as one of their teachers though that is really pushing it a bit too far. Fourth, when I insisted that they do groupwork and warned against them doing individual work in an attempt to inculcate some spirit of camaraderie, I failed later in making them do so. Though Miss Santha tried to make me feel better by saying that that is a competitive class, I believe I could be more insistent and explained to them why I am insistent about it. Miss Tay (the form teacher of 2L) said already that I should help her ‘scold’ her class and I can understand her frustration. The class is obviously not as bad as common perceptions made it to be, yet it is not fulfilling its potential.

An interesting thing happened while I was in 3J. I thought they were well behaved so I left them to do their own work. Two students took out their guitars and a mini sing-a-long session soon took place. The noise level to me was tolerable so I let them be as I do think that to have some music reverberating in class really soothes the heart and soul. Miss Alsagoff (Head of aesthetics, ex head of CCA and now of retirement age) certainly disagreed as she came into class and scolded the students. I think as I was sitting in front of the class at the teacher’s table and she entered from the back of the class, she did not see me. I believe she’s definitely a teacher that KCPians respect, love and is a bit in awe of, and she does have that sort of effect on me when I first see her in morning assembly. That is why I did not want to express my stand but thinking back, I should have told her why I allowed them to create some ‘noise’ in class. I’d certainly missed out on an opportunity to learn from an experienced teacher.

I am glad that I stayed for KCP’s parade instead of going back for Macpherson’s. I think that with the enthusiasm of the new NCOs, there is hope yet for the unit despite the lack of CIs. Even though Ee Shang said he’ll help me if I need help in the unit I will be posted to in the Experience Programme, I told him straight off that different units have different culture. Besides, I am not the staff of the new school. How can we ensure that these new NCOs become capable of leading the unit to attaining more success? If the CI cannot come down on Friday for parade, there must surely be other dates whereby he can come down to train the NCOs in hard skills. As for management skills, I do not believe that the teachers cannot be involved in these, which is why I fundamentally disapproved with Mr Derrick Lee’s (one of the teaching officer) decision to cut short the debriefing session I am having with the Sec 3s. Certainly, I am at fault as I got carried away and did not realize that it was already 7.30p.m. Mr Lee is also right to send the students home as parents are genuinely worried. Yet, if the cadets themselves desire knowledge and ways to improve, I think as both a trainee teacher and an honorary officer of the corps, I should complete the after action review with them. How to prevent a similar incident from happening is however the key issue. Training could start/end earlier so that the NCOs have more time to reflect on their parade. That should not be a problem. I’ve began by saying that there’s hope for the unit and how can it be not so when the cadets were so interested in asking me for the various means to improve themselves and the unit’s standing? KCP NPCC is thus a challenging unit to handle, as do MPSS. Interesting indeed.

Initially, I was quite apprehensive before entering Kuo Chuan for obvious reasons. It is a strange environment after all and time must be used to get oneself acquainted with the system. Thankfully, Mrs Teo did a wonderful job in orientating us to the school; and for that matter, all the other teachers who welcomed and gave us various advices. Indeed, this is essential because the earlier we psychologically fit into the school, the sooner we are able to contribute. Seeing how the various teachers tried to mentor us, not only did I learn something about mentoring future trainee teachers, I think the more important lesson is in how teachers continually express their passion in working with the young people to aid and mould them into a better person. We trainee teachers are often asked why we came into teaching and while it is certainly a good icebreaker and question to understand us better, I do feel that our answers also serve a purpose to remind the current teachers, especially those increasingly disillusioned ones, why they took up the calling in the first place. Do not lose heart and do not lose oneself amidst the administrative papers and politics. With this common goal in mind, and everyone willing to invest that little bit more of their time to the students, the fundamental ingredients are present. I agree with the school’s philosophy that each student should taste success and having tasted success, there is no reason why these students will not appreciate the schools. That is why I think KCP is quite a good school but we should also question what we can do for those who have not tasted success. The principal said that most likely we'll be posted back to the same school for practicum. While I concede that I'm probably lucky to be posted to a good school, I think I still prefer to be posted to neighbourhood schools where more challenges abound, more differences one could make, and undoubtedly more lessons to be learnt.

Update on the lack of blogging

2005-06-30T20:35:00.000+08:00

Hi guys and gals!

As I am having SMMT this coming saturday and is either revising for the test or preparing for lessons at night, I find myself not being able to blog as often as possible. Will do so during this long weekend though; yes dears, monday is Youth Day and is a holiday!

Expected topics to come include life in KCP; and I must admit it really is a good school despite me having to shout till I am having a sore throat because of the classroom size, and why students hate history. Yes the reasons could be as absurd as "the teacher is revealing too much cleavage and thinks she's too hot and sexy!"

68th CIBTC Passing Out Parade and aftermath

2005-06-25T23:34:00.000+08:00

I think the new POP is a wonderful thing for the CIs. Not only did distinguished guests grace the event, their parents get to don the rank for their child. Pride and a most endearing reward, what more can one ask? It was a great honour for me that I was given the chance to help him don his rank alongside his mum. Compared to Shaoyun's wedding ceremony which is very important too, I think I'm sort of more needed in Police Academy. Indeed, I can still convey my best wishes tomorrow at the dinner.

Saw Ma'am Fauziah during reception and she immediately approached me asking me of my posting. Initially she sounded disappointed that I did not make it back to Macpherson but Ma'am Jane Lee rightly corrected that I'll still be contributing to NPCC anyways. According to her, the turnover rate at KCP is pretty low. Perhaps there would be more chances of cooperation between Area 4 and Area 12. Besides, I told Ma'am Fauziah that in NIE, I'll still go back to Macpherson to help out whenever possible.

Also met up with many fellow friends. Chee Fan as usual shouted 'Keong eh!' from afar. Missed it since my Cat High days and still missing it now. Saw Alger, Jit Jin, Wei Chong, Tian Ming, Yenli and Peiling among others. Gave Yenli a buddy punch that I guessed must have hurt haha. Tian Ming told me that KCP's NP unit is in danger of disintegrating. I'll use my time there to observe first.

Went to Liang Court next before meeting up with Ee Shang again for dinner with Yingwei. Meidi-ya supermart is quite amazing. So many things to see, so few time to explore and little money to spend. In the end, we discussed about the unit and our plans for it to grow till 1030pm. It is, in my honest opinion, going downhill and I do not wish to see that to happen.

Reviewing the week in NIE

2005-06-25T01:50:00.000+08:00

Content's upgrading is finally over. I do not think that I've actually benefitted much in terms of the content gained but every lesson was definitely an eye-opener when you observe the pedagogical aspects. The history of Singapore is boring but the way to teach is truly enlightening. That's why even though I had a bad case of stomach flu, I continued to travel to school in unworldy hours and attend the lectures.

How to effectively teach history? Use the power of Love the first lecturer said. Tie in with small interesting stories and connect with present times, the second lecturer says. Role playing is always effective, Ching Ling's 'favourite' teacher demonstrated. Teachers do not know everything but they must be able to point to the students where to find the relevant information they craved. How to teach Mathematics? Explain without ambiguity, demonstrate, and set questions that would lead your students. Practice makes perfect. Rather make the mistakes while practicing than commit them in front of your students. Yet even if you did, just pause, question them whether they think your step is right and use the time gained to make sure your own answer is indeed right. Indeed, these people are being employed by NIE with reasons and I can only wish I'm 1/10 as good as them.

While transit is long, the process is not as unbearable as it seemed especially since I could find a seat early morning and sleep. TV mobile at times bothers me but that's fine too because I could at least be served with some news during the times I'm awake. However with school holidays ending, the bus journey would be much less pleasurable and since the concession travel is expiring, MRT may just be the only viable option left. Not good.

When one is so busy with work, it made the rest of the time even more valuable and every minute ought to be seized for spending it with friends, loved ones, even a date with yourself. Mealtimes were spent with the history people. Thursday night Pearl, Shi Zhi and I even went to Clementi to chit chat. Had a great dinner with Jeramin on friday night too. The fried oyster at Esplanade food street was great. It may seem tiring to go out later in the day/night with friends and loved ones, but the joy they bring actually rejuvenates. Physically it would of course take a toll as my stomach flu and headache were due to the lack of sleep but mentally, it is certainly uplifting. Yet, YC is also right when she said that I've got to be responsible towards the kids too when I start the Experience Programme. It's less taxing attending classes than conducting one.

Well, absence does make the heart grows fonder. It seemed that with my extended periods away of home did my relation with my dad somewhat better. There's simply less chances for me to antagonize him with some of my antics and vice versa. Perhaps it could be a simple reason like what mum said jokingly that she woke up early to make Milo for me and wake me up just so I'll give her more money for household expenditures but I don't think so.

No luck with the draw.

2005-06-22T16:58:00.000+08:00

Got Kuo Chuan Presbyterian instead of Macpherson Sec. In fact, Denise got into the latter but I must admit that she'll make an excellent addition to the teaching force there as her teaching experience greatly surpasses mine. Besides, at least I get the chance to maybe ask her how some of my cadets will be doing in the future.

To perhaps compound the sense of disappointment, Shi Zhi got Bedok North. Maybe next time he can tell me the legendary beauty who don't age: Ma'am Tami. If he is to be selected for NPCC, it would be a major bomber. (For those not in the know, BNSS and MPSS are 2 of 6 units in Area 12)

Mother or the unborn child?

2005-06-19T20:22:00.000+08:00

Am watching 郑板桥 and the plot had developed into a situation whereby Banqiao's wife found out that her pregnancy will endanger her life since she had internal injuries. It's either the baby's life or her life. She'd rather die then abort the unborn child and she refused to let anyone inform her husband. Already, she's feeling weak from standing for long.

It seemed as if most dramas will always include such a plot because it is indeed a dilemma. On one hand, the self-sacrificial love of a mother is so great but on the other hand, it is indeed selfish for she did not consider the emotions of the father, almost everyone and especially the child who would grow up without a mother.

Instead of getting a gamble, perhaps it is best to admit that what's not meant to be will not be meant to be and leave nature to its course. But this is of course normally from the perspective of a man who would rather save the woman he loved. Kids can be adopted right?

A night at East Coast Park

2005-06-17T22:24:00.000+08:00

Had a barbeque with my cadets on thursday night. I must say that I did not expect myself to feel so down upon seeing them. I thought that it could be the last communal meal I would have with them and I told the sec 5s that. Yingwei as usual had a retort and said that there will definitely be a future chance to meet up. That fellow I must confess have a way with words. Him, David, Ee Shang and Jasper are in that group of NCOs that I had the most chance to work with.

While trying to console Jasper with his recent troubles, the conversation somehow turned to what our good and bad qualities are. What they've said basically almost moved me into tears as I did not know beforehand that they did learn and gain something from my short period in the school. Yes, even they knew that I'm auntie. The reason why they could bond as a group was due to my nagging skills. As they said, I would nag and scold till the they finally get the point. Taking initiative and teamwork were the things they've learnt though I disagreed for if they had indeed learnt that, the unit may not be in the comparatively poor shape it is now. If I was not in the unit, they wouldn't be who they are today was what they said. Thanks guys. The learning's definitely an interactive process. I've learnt much from you all too. At least I now blast at and reason with people at the same time, and I know how to cut short when someone's simply disinterested to listen.

Boi Boi said I should actually go home and rest instead of staying over at the Park with the remaining few cadets. He's right as I indeed got tired before his housewarming party even warmed up but that's actually quite inconsequential comparatively because I can get the chance to talk with them but not so with my cadets. In the end, we went fishing, tried to cycle to the Changi Airport runway to see a plane taking off (but got lost in ECP lol!) and played UNO till about 5am. Wanted to catch the sunrise too but in the end I find myself nodding off too often and decided to go home for a proper sleep.

It is these types of small little things that made teaching rewarding. Interactions be tiring but they are all the more fulfilling.

A day of wandering around...

2005-06-16T00:46:00.000+08:00

Went to school to collect my transcript for the Maths department in NIE, return library books and see Dr Barnard, Dr Lockhart and Prof Gordon. It did not go exactly as planned because I thought I could talk a bit longer with them but the timing I must profess was not exactly right. In short, it's lunchtime. Besides, I'm really a true product of the old system whereby we're taught to revere our teachers. Actually it's not mutually exclusive to respect someone and yet develop friendships with that person. Some of our classmates did succeed. I guessed I did too with some of my cadets. A pity then that out of 4 years of education in NUS, I could barely say a thing to Dr Quek but a weak "Hi! How are you? I'm here to pass something to Dr Barnard, Dr Lockhart and Prof Gordon." In fact, I did not say anything really significant with the other three too. Perhaps next time.

Since all three asked how many of us are going into teaching, I'll just list the people here for their reference haha. Source from Ermita of the BBC: Andrew, Bernissa, Celine, Ching Ling, Christopher, Denise, Hendri, Huilin, Jarret, Joo Cheong, Natasha, Pearl, Raha, Samantha, Sarah, Shi Zhi, Shu Huei, Wei Liang, Wensi, Yue Heng and me. A grand total of 21.

As I made an effort to wake up early, I did not want to go back home too soon. Thankfully, Hong Xian was available and we went window shopping before going to Chinese Heritage Centre with him. Loved the park there. Maybe next time we can picnic there haha. Next, it was shopping with Christopher with Shi Zhi being our friendly cart pusher. I still cannot believe that Carrefour is not selling Hello Panda biscuits when I can easily find it in those clearance stores! But I digressed for the focus should be on his Royal Highness. He knows which milk carried the least fats and he forced the poor Nike girl to take for him shoe size 10.5, 11, 11.5, 12 before deciding he should buy 12.5 haha. Oh yes. I met a person who called my name out and who had my phone number in his phone. But I still could not remember his name till now! Is he in my BMT section or in my ATEC section?

From Central to South to West and back to South again. Will be going the East tomorrow for cheesecake baking session and bbq with my cadets.

And my brother's still not back yet after his disappearing act from meeting up with the Medical Board for PES status review. We sort of expected it anyways.

King of Fighters

2005-06-15T03:23:00.000+08:00

Sparred with Hanyong in the arcade at Bugis Junction just now. I am not that proficient with the joystick but still managed to last till round 5 by relying on Athena's cheap moves. It was wonderful to be able to find people like Hanyong, Derrick Lee and Haoran last semester. The times we spent playing on the computer reminded me of how my brother and I used to challenge each other almost everyday for more than 2 hours. Sad that he chooses no longer to play it with me.

A lack of public argumentation

2005-06-15T00:15:00.000+08:00

To me, the attempt at generating public discussions, consolidating differing views and decide on a common stand is a farce. Yes, we can debate about whether maids should get days off or off-days, complain which taxi drivers are not doing their job and insist that teachers be trained to be articulate in the English language. But so? When it comes down to the bread and butter issues like transport fees hike, the IRs and other issues involving the sacred cows, the consensus seemed to be predetermined.

Sure, we can highlight the dangers of excessive public argumentation from various examples in the States and Taiwan too when we see their rowdy behaviour in parliament but that is an overemphasis on the form I feel as the content becomes conveniently hidden in an attempt to decide somewhat arbitrarily: that decisions should be made after much debate; serious weighing be made on both sides of the coins; and measures taken that limits costs on all sides.

Remaking Singapore? IS' magazine seemed to remain skeptical as their editorial piece is a story about a girl who can only talk about Singapore in a cafe in Johor. Change is however bound to occur as people become more politically conscious as the local blogging scene attest. Let us hope then that the call for public argumentation be not misinterpreted as an act of civil disobedience.

Uniquely Singapore? Definitely.

Preliminary accounts.

2005-06-12T18:21:00.000+08:00

Salary = $2800

After CPF contribution ($560) = $2240

After hostel fees ($170) = $2070

After transport fees ($40) = $2030

After household expenditures/contributions (3x $400) = $830

After insurance + charity ($110) = $720

After phone bill ($100) = $620

After internet bill ($60) = $560

..... Originally, I had aimed for a savings of $500 but that's now an impossibility considering I would only have $60 left. Assume that I half my expectations and only saved $250, my liquid pay of $310 is going to be less than what I earned in the army? How to phat tor?! And I have not even include food expenses...

"Not do things that make the ger have no choice.."

2005-06-12T14:39:00.000+08:00

Was talking to my cousin Chuan on MSN today and the above quoted sentence came up amidst everything we've talked about. I must say that he is one of if not my favourite cousin since I sort of was his 'nanny' when he was a baby. Once, I dropped him on the ground... 0_o and I always feared, when I was still at that naive years, that I had made him more 'stupid' in the process. Of course, he had matured most wonderfully and I'm extremely proud of him.

I should have taken Home Economics as CSII!

2005-06-11T12:05:00.000+08:00

Someone suggested that given my ineptness at Maths, I should have asked for Home Economics. K@oz, I should have thought of that. When I called Boi Boi up to ask if he wanted Sun Yanzi's dvd ktv and told him that I had effectively failed my SMMT by leaving 26++ marks blank, he also expressed disbelief.

Oh well, what's done is done. I'll have to do more Maths sums to train up my speed at answering questions. 2nd July SMMT, I vow to do better by at least completing 85% of the questions and not 73%.

Must remember 10th June 2005.

Preparing to fail my SMMT....

2005-06-09T18:54:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Joo Cheong's place. We revised by attempting questions from his ultra tough assessment book. Most of the times, we find ourselves stuck with the question and needing to refer to the answers and work backwards. That, or we used a lot of time to think of the answers. I think I will definitely not make it for tomorrow's test.

Content upgrading module x 2, here I come! And I shall work hard for SMMT II on the 2nd July!

绝对Superstar!

2005-06-08T21:33:00.000+08:00

Just finished watching the first episode and I must say that I am enjoying this much more than Singapore Idol. As Ermita had said, I'm one of the cheena gang and indeed I can identify with the songs chosen by the contestants better. Like most reality shows, it has that drama factor, the comic relief and heartwarming moments.

It was a surprise to see the nameless tan and tomboy girl. She acted in a Channel 8 serial before as a tomboy who had better soccer skills than Mark Lee (I think who was the 7-11 store owner/helper) and fell for him. I thought it was Holland V but I don't remember him acting in it. Anyways, she sounded as good as she looked, at least in my humble opinion.

I believe the higher cosmic being is fair. When certain things are taken away from one, a balancing act will be done and that person will be gifted with other talents. As a blind participant aptly described, hearing, music and singing became most important for the visually impaired. Sure, their vocals are probably only above average but they sang with an emotion that was most real. You could almost touch it. Sure, one out of the 4 (even though I think his voice is rich and he was disadvantaged by having need to bend down to sing to the mic) being given air time did not make it but what he possess is the never-say-die attitude. When he asked a fellow failed contestant who I think I saw in NUS before, his conviction in making it in life never wavered compared to the latter.

You've gotta admire all these people who dare to attempt to create a difference in their life. Imagine me singing "Ja-Jambo!!!!!!!!!!" in your tv screen. Would I get kudos for my courage or a few laughs? lol!

I hate Mathematics!

2005-06-08T20:17:00.000+08:00

Why in the world did I agree to having Mathematics as my second teaching subject? As of now, I cannot even do half of the sample questions from the NIE website. Darn. Need to study more formulas and practice more sums while running the risk of losing my humanity. Must 闭关修练。

Hope tomorrow's revision session with Joo Cheong will be useful.

5.30am wake up time...

2005-06-07T19:52:00.000+08:00

I am tired from waking up too early. Basically, I'm supposed to accompany my cadets to Manjusri Sec for LMSC. All I do there is see the other HOs' presentations, make mental notes and debrief my cadets should the lecturers missed any other important points. Otherwise, I'm eating lunch or studying the sec 1 Maths textbook. Yet, with such low output in energy, I spent most of my time sleeping, both at home and in the lecture hall itself. Last night, I got so tired when I reached home at 6p.m. after the first day of the course that I fell asleep from 7p.m. to 10p.m. Woke up because I had to shift bed to the living room and slept at 11p.m till today morning at 5.30. Despite the apparently long hours of sleep, I still manage to do a lot of nodding during the presentations. Rosnita and Ting Ze caught me sleeping at least 3 times. How embarassing. Talk about being a positive role model.

Tomorrow's the last day for LMSC but there are more 4.30-5a.m. wake up time during the Maths Mastery Test and initial days of NIE before I got my hostel. Must...... tahan......

But then again, this complaint is really complaining about nothing. Not when you find out that a friend of yours is going for ICT on his very day of convocation. I hope he gets the Off/Leave he needs. Any ex-S1 clerks or S1 willing to help?

Evergreen

2005-06-06T00:14:00.000+08:00

You are hearing Evergreen by Hyde currently. I thought it was a nice and sweet love song which is a rarity from L'Arc en ciel. Apparently from the lyrics, my gut feeling is half right and half wrong. It is a nice and sweet break-up love song. Good things ought to be shared. I hope you'll like it.

Evergreen
by Hyde

I lie awake beside the windowsill
Like a flower in a vase
A moment caught in glass

The rays of sunlight come and beckon me
To a sleepy dreamy haze
A sense of summer days

If only I could stop the flow of time
Turn the clock to yesterday
Erasing all the pain

I've only memories of happiness
Such pleasure we have shared
I'd do it all again

This scenery is evergreen
As buds turn into leaves, the colours live and breathe
This scenery is evergreen
Your tears are falling silently

So full of joy, you are a child of spring
With a beauty that is pure
An innosence endures

You flow right through me like a medicine
Bringing quiet to my soul
Without you I'm not whole

This scenery is evergreen
I need you far too much , I long to feel your touch
This scenery is evergreen
You've always been so dear to me

This scenery is evergreen
It sorrow at the sight of seeing you so sad
This scenery is evergreen
I wish that I could dry your tears

The bells have rung, the time has come
I cannot find the words to say my last goodbye
This scenery is evergreen
You've always been so dear to me

Socialize, socialize and more socialization.

2005-06-05T23:31:00.000+08:00

First off was the intellectual gaming session at my house. As laoma said, it had been a long while since the house last saw so many visitors and creating so much noise. It's good and healthy really though I must admit that it's very embarassing not being able to provide them the electric fan and some space for seating. I think they were uncomfortable with me doing work and not being able to play with them but I'd prefer much to play host and provide a place then to engage in the intellectual game myself. Certainly, I do not mind some games in between lah.

Chee Chian came over on saturday afternoon before we meet up with Wanyun and Jeramin later. I think he was quite bored at watching me play rtk2 even though he did say that our style of play is quite similar. Thankfully, Jeramin woke up early before we got too bored but it was a horrendous experience window shopping in a cosmetic and fragrances fair. Jeramin tested one eau de toilette that simply made people want to shun it. First time I saw Wanyun so aunty-looking but that's perhaps understandable since we're both aquarius but one thing about her that never changes is her eating expectations and capability. She's contemplating yet another career choice. All the best! And Jeramin, braving smoke and lord knows what else, went clubbing again. I hope he drinks the ling yang thingy his mum bought!

Wanted to join the history people for the ACM series of lectures actually but I thought it was better to be out with some old friends. Had a wonderful lunch today. Went with Derrick to buy his digital camera later and he is more boi boi than boi boi. We spent up to 2 hours considering. Glenn said his band PROGNOSIS (please support if you do see them the next time) did not perform as well as they did in the competition they got second but I think it was still an excellent one since some audiences were shaking their heads and tapping their feet. I personally of course do not like the music Glenn likes but his 4th number I feel was from his heart and that is sweet. If not for Qingxian's call, I would have forgot that I'm supposed to meet up with him, William and Minji from Sanguo-Online.Com aka SOC. Till now, in all of our meetings, we are still talking about RTK (the game), SGYY (the literary romance) and SGZ (the bias history). What to do? We are all Three Kingdom enthusiasts, both game and history.

Pasar Malam delight!

2005-06-03T00:33:00.000+08:00

I've always liked night markets since I was young. Certainly, critics had complained about how it had become more commercialized with the quality of the food dipping and how the merchandises are nothing close to the real things etc etc. While I agree that these had indeed affected the quality of our dear night markets, the essence remains for it is a wonderful opportunity for friends to just walk along, buy snacks and laugh at the thrashy stuff being sold.

Chris came over and he really bought a lot of stuff. But like I've always said, 带他出来真麻烦。He ordered Ramly without chilli but complained when the BBQ sauce was not added. He especially looked out for Taiwan sausages without charred ends. And lastly, he talked loudly on the phone lol! Before he bash me up though, let's say nice things about him, like how he treated me one of the Ramly he bought? haha. That's not enough I guess so this should please him better hopefully. 喂，I've helped you ballot your NDP tickets! :p

Oh, and I saw ZZ again. It's like the second time in a week? And Jeramin was too lazy to get out of his comfort zone to join us.

touring NIE and NTU

2005-06-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

Derrick was kind enough to postpone his academic dress collection date to accommodate my schedule and allowing me to go with him to NTU and NIE for a brief recce trip when he knew that I will not be free for tomorrow and the whole of next week. We managed to talk like we just met each other a few days ago when in reality it had been a long time since we last met. As he said, that's because we are really old friends and knew each other very well indeed. (Besides, I would add cheekily, he's my 'wife' from mortar platoon. :p) I do hope that despite the degree obtained, he'll be able to find his career soon. That of course includes his other dream.

Anyways, thanks to his guidance, I've managed to recce the important places in NTU and NIE that I'll need to report for my PGDE course. I've found the place to be so much more easier to navigate than NUS. I do not however like how NIE is built. The architecture reminds me of a solemn boxed-in compound. Everywhere were posters informing passerbys of proper decorum and notices of how one would be refused service if he or she is found wearing slippers. Quite awful actually.

Other bad points include how you'll need to pay 20 cents for the internal shuttle service and the many flights of stairs you'll need to climb up. I still find no presence of user friendly routes full of lifts. Boi Boi, we must pray that we'll get Hall 12-15 instead of 4,5,6.

Besides those though, food was definitely a plus point. They had sugarcane juice (NTU Canteen A) and ginseng chrysanthemum. I think most canteen also have zhi cha The canteen is cool and airy unlike our arts canteen. The view's more picturesque as you can see Malaysia highlands at the skyline unlike our view full of cranes in Arts. I've heard the laundry's free too. That's cool and I think I will abuse it.

Mr Cellophane...

2005-06-01T22:40:00.000+08:00

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister cellophane
Should have been my name
Mister cellophane
'cause you can look right through me
walk right by me
And never know I'm there. . .

Despite its lure as a feel good musical, I do not think anyone will remain cheerful when he or she heard Amos singing this number. Sure, he's supposed to be the loser in the show being inconsequential, poor in bed, used by both his wife and Billy, and did not even feature in the ending as he's left alone doing what, nobody knows.

It is of course a depressive emotion. At times, I find myself experiencing it as I'll rather have a quarrel than be ignored by my family. The home is increasingly being more like a hostel and that's frustrating. Friends, fortunately and unfortunately, are simply not able to allocate that much time to you too. At extreme emotional periods when one is wanting simply attention and caring gestures, the lack of people valuing you and loneliness can become extremely hurting, or least that was what happened, and may even continue to happen, to me.

At such periods of pessimism, what can one do? I guess we must first learn to combat such negativity. No one can be truly transparent in his or her life. Faith in a higher cosmic being, be it God or a guardian angel, would definitely help. The recognition that even if a friend who may not be going out with you or contacting you will come to you in your hour of dire need, or simply reminiscing a memorable moment with you, should make one realize the folly of thinking oneself as a miss or mr cellophane. In short, it is about thinking positively. Controlling and exercising proper thought, according to certain counsellors can definitely aid in maintaining healthier emotions. As someone whom I am conversing said, 收拾心情。Talking is of course therapeutic. Even if you are feeling bad and not wanting to negatively affect your friends etc, do not forget that many are actually more willing to travel the rough roads with you. This short paragraph of advice should be self-incorporated first I guess.

And Mum just screamed suddenly. She's fed up with her work and was complaining about how bonuses never benefits the working class. Offered to help her but she said she can only do it in the office etc etc. 2 more months and I hope she can relax more after. This last year had simply been too taxing.

My future is quite bleak???

2005-06-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

According to 观音 whom I asked via lots in a visit to Kwan Im Thong about my future career and the potential chance of a relationship, she replied with a Lot 64 that said something akin to these words

Life will be full of tough ordeals ahead. Perhaps one should avoid being hurt by removing oneself from the things you seek

With no disrespect to Guanyin, I told her that I thank her for suggesting a guideline but I do want to challenge myself and go for the things I am going for. And what could be the worst that could happen? Some hurt but loads of experiences will be gained in life.

In any case, for those who may be at a loss at any point in their life, 观音灵签 strives to offer you with a piece of divine advice. But do remember that one lot told a story of a man who changed destiny by his actions. What the lot says essentially is thus not the absolute truth. One have to take these with a pinch of salt as one of my friends would always say.

Results are out!

2005-05-31T11:12:00.000+08:00

Today results are out. Most of my friends made it to the 2nd Upper or maintained their status. Congratulations to all of you! :D

I got an unexpected surprise. Did not think that I could get the results I have. DDR of course was more expected haha. Can anyone of us better the group helmed by her? lol!

Of tap dances, dinner and a nice outing

2005-05-31T01:36:00.000+08:00

Had gastric pains because I had my lunch too late and coffee during breakfast. Luckily, the antacids prescribed by the doctor worked. In any case, after my experience with the illness, it is the first time that the doctor told me that a way to prevent it is to pass motion once a day... -_- I am going to conclude that I just heard the wrong thing.

Since I could still walk, though quite slowly and in a slightly bent position, I proceeded to Raffles City to wait for a friend. There was a free tap dance show by the Greenwood (?) Tap Dance Company from Sydney in conjunction with the arts festival and I must say that it was an extremely pleasing audio and visual performance. James said that tap dancers could produce a variety of sounds because of the position and thickness of the special parts attached to the soles of their shoes. It must have taken a lot of practice to be able to move their feet as quickly as they do, yet appear so laidback about it. Charming indeed. I was probably so engrossed with the performance that the person I'm waiting for chose to sms me instead of alerting to me that she's just standing behind me.

Anyways I went on to join yet another history honours group outing. As usual, Lao Da, Shi Xiong and arguably the person I like to tease the most currently, Jamie Han, were engrossed in their intellectual debate on existentialism (which we learnt is the belief that existence precedes essence; the idea that there is a higher level of consciousness or being... :confused), religion and the West vs the East. Ching Ling was of course another obvious target for us to tease about. What is surprising though was that somehow Shi Zhi became a focus of the night. The girls were raving how 帅, of the boy-next door type he is, how he should dye his white hair black which they said Pearl did (I think), how his biceps are becoming bigger and how the photo he submitted to the modelling agency do not do him justice and they wanted him to submit a much nicer one etc etc. Pearl's theory was proven quite correct then. Joo Cheong and Ching Ling also agreed to go to Chek Jawa with me. If you want, Singapore really had a lot of things to explore, be it the rustic nature or even the lovely city.

Indeed, the clouds above the Singapore River with the somewhat artificial shophouses and Chinatown Point in the horizon, dyed by the sunset, made a particularly beautiful picture. When the company's good, it became exceedingly warming to the heart.

A good camp! Before, during and after.

2005-05-30T00:53:00.000+08:00

Before the camp started, Mrs Boon and Mrs Lee-Tan, HOD of humanities and science from Macpherson Secondary, my npcc unit, saw me and asked what I was doing. It was most encouraging later when having realized that I am going to NIE, both would give support and ask the principal to request MOE if I wanted to go to Macpherson for the Experience Programme. Sure, the neighbourhood largely do not like the students there as evident from the many complaints received but I must admit that many have good character too. That's why I've grown quite attached to my Sec. 2 and 3 cadets. Since I'm already acquainted with the school, why not stay at the school they asked. Furthermore, they lack social studies teachers. It is just good to know that your work had been valued.

IP is certainly important but the challenge and satisfaction in teaching a neighbourhood school (certainly applicable in all schools though I feel that it's more pronounced in the neighbourhood schools) goes beyond instruction. It is also about nurturing their other talents since while most do not have the ability to mug for exams, many have other capabilities. Students do not care what you know until they've learnt that you care. Interpersonal and communication skills, with both parents and students I must add, are essential to ensure that the students get the most out of your teaching because there are many instances whereby you'll need to get to the 'source' of their displeasure with learning. My OC said that if I can survive a month at Macpherson, my classroom management skills would be of a top calibur. That aside, the teachers I've seen and worked with are truly passionate about teaching who managed to build rapport with the so called problem kids. To be both a friend and a teacher is what I always strive to be so I guess for better or for worse, I'm going to be thick-skinned and ask to go back to Macpherson which is afterall only a $5 cab fare from home.

I must admit that I've truly enjoyed myself during the camp despite my failure in getting a tan, because of my refusal to go on the powerboad as I stupidly only brought one pair of shoes. It was good to be with the area cadets, see some familiar faces and make that little difference to others. Jiahao I think is getting more mature but Madam Tay told me that he's still playful and only interested in the 'fun' activities. Though I've only worked with him once in the Inter-area project competition, there is indeed a noticeable difference in the way he conducted himself. Chun Zhong (?) on the other hand somewhat disappointed me. I thought he was a nice cadet and I believed I mentioned him in a previous blog posting but I realized from an orienteering session that he's a cadet of words and few action but self-professed leader of the group.

Speaking of orienteering sessions, I wanted to volunteer for all 4 of it but the forever nice Mr Koh was concerned if I could last all four of it and rostered me 3 of it. In the end, I'm quite grateful because my legs are indeed quite sore now haha. Old machines spoil easily. Anyways, one was led by Faizal and the other by Jason and Gim Yan so I saw no need to lead as they are my CIs and I know of their capability. Another one was led by Khairul and Yusiree, (?) both from area 9. While both are good CIs, I did not really like the group they were leading because it was too divisive. The Victorian boys were on their own as do other schools and they failed to keep their discipline. Certainly, they were tired after rafting and kayaking but that's not an excuse as orienteering was their last physical activity. Almost immediately, I gave them a dressing down during a hornet drill. They listened or not I did not know but it was extremely encouraging when the team went back singing, walking and planning in unison. They were that high-spirited and later went on to win the best group award. One Victorian whom I punished the most (in broad daylight somemore)even said thanks to me after the whole camp was over while I was bidding farewell with the Victorian TOs.

Most importantly, I'm very proud of our school, especially the Malay girls who managed to show that they are on an equal level with Victoria and Dunman High cadets. Eliyana overcame her fear of the sea and succeeded in lasting the whole kayaking session. Though she did not dare go rafting, it was nonetheless a marked improvement. Sayedah was extremely proud of her. Fazlina was also showing remarkable improvement with her enthusiasm in leading songs (though still soft-spoken) and volunteering for duties. Both I feel really impressed me. Afidah and Rosnita are still consistent in their performances. Afidah, according to the Chinese boys can be quite the Empress Dowager sometimes though I think that it's a simple case of her knowing what she wanted out of NPCC more than the rest. The latter despite her fever, endured the course. It was also good to see Nazzaty finally back as it signified the end of her family's financial problem. Ilyas was his usual self. He loved the limelight and wanted to be the leader. The difference was that this time he really did a commendable job. Others however, especially Ruhaya and Ahmad Shafie failed to make use of the chance to shine through. Hopefully, things will change for the better in the future. If the NPCC unit is to get better, we've got to rely on this new batch of NCOs. Hopefully, I can get the chance to work with them (by at least securing a practicum in MPSS)

Finally, the last day of camp ended on quite a high note too. It was nice to be able to eat with Mr Akram and some of our cadets together in Changi Village. I still believe these moments of relaxation are important in establishing bonds within the unit both laterally and vertically. Singnet and Gain City had finally delivered the Home Theatre system over! I've tested it and it's in good condition. Watched Chicago yet again. Catherine Zeta-Jones rocked in that show. Got a pleasant, albeit a bit surprising invitation too.

And this from Jeramin:

爱到飞蛾扑火，是种堕落。。。可是为情风险，让我觉得自己是骄傲的，伟大的。
爱到飞蛾扑火，是很伤痛。我只是相信人总会被感动。

He must be in a sentimental mood haha. I must thank him for it.

Carrie and Pool won, expectedly...

2005-05-26T17:12:00.000+08:00

For the former, it was I think mostly influenced by what Simon said. From the beginning, he already said to Bo that 'the competition's yours to lose' and to Carrie that she'll be the American Idol winner who would sell the most number of records. Bo at least hit the bottom three before during the elimination rounds but that is a totally unfamiliar territory for the smooth-sailing Carrie. So what if there were rounds when she performed well below average?

While it was predicted that Carrie would win hands down, not many think that Liverpool can do the same, especially when AC Milan took a three goals lead at halftime. Glenn was visibly peeved and he vowed to sleep the disappointment away. I on the other hand agreed with Ang Kee Ming (it's still wierd addressing him Kee Ming haha) that Pool could win this game. I told Glenn that perhaps Pool will did to Milan what they did to Basel. That they did. While I expected penalties, I did not actually think Pool can win it considering how Milan boasts of many good penalty takers while Benitez do not prepare his team in penalty taking.

But, some higher cosmic being seemed to favour Dudek a lot. It was his night. And, though I think Pool could not win if it is to be decided by a shootout, win the trophy they did as I predicted. Hope Gerrard would make solid his promises and stay. If not, he don't deserve to hold the medal despite his match-winning performance.

Congratulations to you Carrie Underwood. Bo, you are a winner too. Benitez and co., I hope with this victory, you all can launch an assault on the big three (even though Man U is in dire straits I feel). Oh my Villa, whence thy turn to QUALIFY for the Champion's League? -_-

speechless?

2005-05-25T16:05:00.000+08:00

Last time when I did a psychometric test for PSC, I remembered that the vocation they suggested for me was not a teacher. Instead, the test felt that I should become a minister or speech therapist. While I do think that at times I can really speak quite well and articulate some of my thoughts clearly despite my poor command of the english language, there are always instances whereby I find myself not as expressive as I wanted to be.

First, I'm often found to be lacking in things to talk when I am facing some of my superiors. It's definitely a self-imposed thing since I felt that there is some inexplicable gaps present. I can of course blame this on the conditioning by the military and confucian system.

The second situation is infinitely more intimate. While I seemed like a guru when it comes to assessing other people's situation and just listening to their problems, I'm a greenhorn if the case to be evaluated is my own. Was wanting to make a phone call to hopefully make a friend feel better but I only managed to say some lame; upon retrospection, stuff. I'm just not the sweet talker I guess.

Bangladeshis in Singapore

2005-05-25T01:53:00.000+08:00

I agree with what Yan Chun said at the start of the last semester, that it's always more interesting to learn about Bangladeshis in Singapore then Algerians in France. Kudos to Mr Abdul Shariff for sending a most fitting letter to the Straits Times Forum (24/05/05; H9) that I hope would raise both awareness towards the plight of foreign workers in Singapore and more importantly empathy towards them in general.

Mr Shariff was recounting about how law, medical and customer service officers, because of his physical appearance, often mistook him as a Bangladeshi and gave him inferior treatment. I remembered how during one New Year Day's celebration, I was also quite peeved with their loud singing and attempts to squeeze further into the stage despite the crowd. During my journey home, they stopped various buses on the road, jumped in when the doors opened for boarding and alighting and shouted 'Happy New Year' without considerations for our and their safety. Yet, it is not surprising that they acted in such a gay manner because we must realize that their work in a foreign land is most tough; they do not have their closed ones by their side; and the ones they are serving turns out to be quite ungrateful.

Sure, there are stories of them involving in many illegal activities like gambling and prostitution or worse acts that threatened internal security but I'm sure all they wanted is to earn enough money so that they can send home much of it to their loved ones. We started out as an immigrant society. We should realize the difficulties and pains when one 离乡背井。

24th May 2005

2005-05-25T01:09:00.000+08:00

Was actually feeling quite low when the day started because of various reasons. My neck strangely still aches and I probably also got up from the wrong side of my mattress which always accounted for my unexplainable foul moods. Hence, it's always good that at least you'll get to meet some nice friends, planned or otherwise.

Wenjie, both Kee Ming and I concluded, had grown visibly thinner though he claimed that his weight remained the same. Must be the muscles eh danny boy? More dependable too I think. Managed yet again to pester him to find a girlfriend before he enters the army for his last year of service. I do not know why I'm always doing such a thing, be it to Wenjie or Shi Zhi, when I myself needs some pushing.

Anyways, I must confess that today also marked the death of Sakae for me. The food is no longer as appetizing and novel. Imagine a buffet whereby one only goes through the motion of popping food into his or her mouth without ever producing a satisfied MHHMMMMM. The only noteworthy food is the Cherry Bordeaux ice-cream that tasted like 京都念慈庵川贝枇杷糕。

Since I have nothing to do with Kee Ming going back home due to a headache and Wenjie going to Bishan for a dinner (hmmmmm...), I decided to go to Suntec City (as I am in the city area afterall) to find out which dvd home theatre system, the Philips LX3900SA or the Panasonic SC-HT520 is worth getting since Singnet is now offering the former as an equal alternative because many like me had lodged complaints on why the latter is always out of stock for our collection. (It's supposed to be a free gift for recontract) After a detailed analysis by the friendly uncle at Harvey Norman, the latter is infinitely better because the sound system is superior, it can play more formats like HDCD and others, and Panasonic is definitely more reputable for audio products because it did carry the Technics brand name. I shall wait till early June before I pester Gain City and Singnet where my home theatre system is!

Lastly, managed to get Felicia out for a chat. It was illuminating as usual.

I don't like people to mess around with my stuff...

2005-05-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

It is deeply exasperating when I am trying to find something but unable to because someone had shifted it to another place. It is moreover frustrating because the someone must have did it out of goodwill, either wanting the place to look neater and not like a pig sty or hoping to put something important into a secured place and yet I almost wanted to scream out loud at him or her. Most of the time, I do ask where the thing was kept but it is finally annoying because he or she usually forget where the item was placed or worse, did not even remember the said item. If anything, this is one thing I am very particular about (paiseh boi boi, do take heed when we share our room in NIE? :p): don't touch my things unless you informed me about it or better still, before you actually shifted the stuff so I can keep it in a place I will remember myself.

Knowing ones limits...

2005-05-23T14:36:00.000+08:00

得寸进尺。Do we really always ask for a foot when we managed to get an inch? Often, it is a case of having higher expectations and in the process cultivating a hope that better things can be achieved when things are developing quite positively (usually) as planned. Yet, when one hoped more, the disappointment's often more devastating.

Take my Sec 3 cadets for instance. We often praised that they are a most capable cohort but last I saw them on friday, the heaps of positive feedback we gave seemed to be making them too conceited. Internal quibbling, disrespect for the NCOs in front of the sec 2s and 3s threatens the functioning of the unit. Of course, I still think all of them are capable but it is harder to say with an equal level of confidence that they can work with one another to bring the unit to a higher level.

Another telling and certainly more appropriate example can be found in the gambling world. While at times diagnosed as a pathological problem as people became addicted to the thrill of winning, the main issue at hand is in my opinion one of not knowing when to stop. Precisely because one had won say $100 in jackpot, the person will inject everything into the slot machine hoping to increase his earnings. When all is lost, he would think what a waste of time it is that he did not bring home any tangible rewards. So he'll continue to put in his own capital hoping for a lucky strike. In the end, he would end up losing the money, and stay at least a bit down for the next few hours. Is it worth it?

The greed of craving something more can also be found in affairs of the heart. When the status of a couple is affirmed, both boy and girl would want the other to revolve their world around them for the majority of their time. Complaints of neglect and non-commitment are fairly common because each just want to have the other more, to make perhaps a claim of exclusiveness. On the other hand, there's also the cases of people who are not satisfied with a good platonic friendship but want something more. This is certainly good if there is indeed grounds for a deeper level of commitment but if it does not happen as wished, then be contented still with the friendship you once had.

Personally, my doctrine has always been to hope for the best but expect the worst so that at least I'm mentally prepared. Such a belief is however not without its repercussions as there is always the possible outcome of a negative self-fulling prophecy. Instead of constantly expecting the bad things to happen then, the importance I feel lies in knowing your own limits. Sure, one can attempt to extend his or her reaches beyond the limits to stretch it higher. Indeed true happiness can only be achieved when one understand and feels contented with his or her limits.

Boi Boi said that I'm a very 小人物 type of person. I still don't really understand what he meant by it when he said that I try my best to cater for the 'masses' but I take it as a compliment. So here's this song which I find most apt that suits the mood of this posting.

<<小人物的心声>>

词：温雪莹。曲：陈天进。

也许我一个人
不能成就一番大事业
让我努力贡献一份微薄的力量

也许我自己
不能发出万丈光和亮
但我能为斗室带来足够的光芒

我从来就不在乎
自己不是个大人物
因为平凡也是一种幸福

看到名人总是忙忙碌碌
我的时间于我控制
平凡日子一样会充实。

A bad night of mahjong...

2005-05-22T18:53:00.000+08:00

I had a bad game of mahjong last night. I could not predict what Chye Guan, Joo Cheong and Ziqian were playing most of the times. Neither did I have the luck to create better winning hands as I had to settle for less gratifying wins. Though Chye Guan was defacto the biggest 'loser' last night, at least a lot of his hands were big on points had he won. Perhaps, I was just tired after a week of socialization. Even when Kee Ming came over my house to chat and play game, a rarity these days compared to a previously almost weekly affair, I did not get excited when I won and vice versa.

If 赌场失意 really signified 情场得意，then I would actually celebrate my 2nd runner's up position. Such a correlation is however simply based on false premises. lol!

health seemed to be indeed quite central in my mind

2005-05-21T13:39:00.000+08:00

When I read what Shi Zhi put up recently in his blog about what your mind is subconsciously thinking, I decided to put the test mentioned to the test. Here's the result:

You may feel preoccupied with your health, or you may worry that your health could fail you. Perhaps you're afraid of falling ill or just seem to talk about health and wellness all the time.

I thought what cr@p this is considering how the questions the quiz up did not even seemed to suggest that health was one of the factors being evaluated. Indeed, relationship issues, fortune, self etc were more prominent. Perhaps a lesson to be gained is that one cannot judge things on preconceived notions.

Having said that, the test did prove to be prophetic. We had a medical checkup at Raffles Hospital yesterday. I was shocked when I found out that my blood pressure was 148/89, or something to that extent. The doctor literally jumped out of his chair, exclaiming 'so high!' I know that my mother's family had a history of high blood pressure. My grandfather died of a heart attack. Almost all of my uncles and aunties, including my mother had been or are being treated for hypertension. One who had passed away probably suffered the most as he had three strokes and in the end was simply too weak to even consume medication. The cause? Being possibly the one most unable to resist eating certain kind of food.

Indeed, diet is important as do an exercise regime. More vegetables and fruits, especially celery and green apples, coupled with less salt and fats intake should be sufficient. It is also timely to make a resolution that I will not eat as much oyster omelette as I used to. It's also time perhaps to abandon the rebellious self, exemplified by what I wrote in AIH's forum in response to 'The Corruption of Sports'. Empty talk aside, I must remember what Shi Zhi said about perseverance.

Most importantly, I need to keep in mind what shi xiong said about the need to manage my explosive temperament. While I do think there's an improvement since my younger years, there's still room for much progression. Hopefully with a healthier body, mind and soul; yes it's extremely cliche; I can continue to contribute instead of being a burden.

Good day all in all.

2005-05-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

First, the feedback session. Somehow, I think it wasted an hour or two of my time. Prof Farrell and Prof Keck (since apparently my blog is being read by the lecturers too, I decided not to be sneaky about their names) seemed to have 'ten-year answers' prepared. Of course, it is understandable considering their experience in such sessions and the remarkable ability of theirs in processing thoughts and articulating ideas clearer than most others. I do hope the feedback will be more useful to them and our 'juniors'. Since Prof Farrell did start by asking us to comment as if we are blogging, I think I will reflect about my years studying History and the questions raised etc for a later post. Too tired to think serious stuff.

That aside, the barbecue and the time we spent at the faculty club was actually quite memorable. Prof Gordon first gave me a shock when he mentioned that he did read my blog, considering how I was procrastinating some of his work even if I did have some legitimate reasons. Sure he did warn us initially but as he did not specifically mention me that time, I thought I was still a relative unknown. But then again, you only need one friend to link my blog to his/her blog and all will be revealed. The professors voted that The Informalist is the best blogpage among us history honours 2004-5 students, which I agree. Hence, it's a delightful surprise when Prof Lockhart mentioned that he liked to read my blog too. I too do hope that this page continues to be interesting. Having said that, I must remember to ask Prof Lockhart along next time for our ktv session if we are going to have one again. He just sang a verse and it was quite nice and clear despite the noises around. It was quite a pity that the ktv session only started after he left.

Some of the lecturers who stayed longer sang a few songs. Prof Farrell's booming voice was at times torturous but his falsetto is actually quite nice. Prof Aung-Thwin's rendition of 'Pretty Woman' was funny. It's his facial expressions I guess. Must thank him and Coach for preparing the excellent food for us in the rain. Thanks sirs! Managed to make a fool out of myself again by singing cabaret style oldies, 说不出的快活 and 我一见你就笑。But, singing to me is always therapeutic. A pity that I did not have the chance to hear the much acclaimed voice of Samantha's.

The night ended with a hug with Kevin, very much like the farewell hug I got from my clique at UCSC when I left the States. He said sorry for not having the chance to talk to me. It was extremely nice of him. It was only then that it dawned to me that this is possibly the last time we can have an outing like this together like what Ermita said. And I've wasted this chance to talk. But, I did have a nice chat with Weiliang. Besides, there will be other avenues and events whereby we can get together like convocation and Shaoyun's wedding (He was so sweet singing 明天我要嫁给你). I shall remind myself to interact more.

Early obituary for my laptop...

2005-05-19T01:22:00.000+08:00

My laptop's dying I think. The LCD screen is losing much of its colour-contrasting ability and the processor is no longer able to load pages faster than a speeding bullet. Darn. Hopefully I can win some 4D this weekend to win some money for a new desktop! Then again, how is that possible when I don't buy 4D save for Chinese New Year? So here's what I have to say...

Rest in Peace,
But serve me well first
till 10 July!

back from malaysia!

2005-05-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Malaysia. It's very nice that once you logged into the internet, a lot of friends messaged to ask about the trip and whether I enjoyed it. It's of course always good to be back home after a holiday. Honestly, the trip was very good, thanks to Shi Zhi and Hong Xian for organizing. Though there's always a feeling that we did not do much in the sense that we did not go around seeing lots of sights and we did not go around buying lots of things that is difficult to find in Singapore, jiaozhu is most wise as always when he remarked that the intangibles are often more important then the obvious. It is certainly most applicable in this short holiday.

In Genting, the rain did somewhat deflate our morale when the theme park closes operations especially when we made plans to have a go-kart race and try other rides. The promise to gamble away 10RM was also not realized since we got too tired from the trip up on the previous night and decided just to while around talking and playing mahjong in the hotel room. It's quite ironic that we went to a 'City of Entertainment', the best after 40 years in operation without engaging in its central attraction, the casinos but go visit a mushroom farm and a Buddhist temple. It was definitely not Genting-like but I enjoyed it. Seeing the sea of clouds and distant peaks, I can't help but marvel at such wondrous constructs mother nature made for us and be glad that I have a chance to see such sights. Yet, the many construction sites, roads and buildings evident in that skyline made me sad in a way that we are slowly destroying the things we enjoy the most. And isn't that very much applicable in other aspects in life?

The time wasted in trying to find nice food and check-in in the second day to our hotel, plus us missing the tour bus assigned made the time fly by most quickly as we only began our tour around K.L. at 4pm. That's not a lot of time to see the city considering how a ktv session was arranged and rain again stopped us. We've, save Derrick and Jaime who went out much earlier, only covered two buildings at the most and my only successful acquisition was some games. But, the ktv's really good considering the personable customer service officers, the free dinner and supper thrown in at a bargain price of less than 40RM for 8 hours of singing. Couldn't last as long as shizhi, pearl, jennifer, hong xian and jaime though and had to go back close to midnight for a sleep with the rest. Shizhi as usual sang quite wonderfully. He's got the range and the ability to change into falsetto comfortably but his singing is still quite raw in other ways. Hong Xian seemed to be the exact opposite. He cannot reach the higher notes because he's a bass vocalist but some of the songs he sang exudes a quality of a seasoned performer. Derrick was also wonderful with his rendition of 凡人歌。It was hard differentiating who's the real singer (jonathan lee) and the wannabe singer!

The last day was about the same. Those of us who came back earlier resolved to wake up early and go around the city. As usual though, we overslept. After a nice breakfast, we were on our way at 10 plus. Time however passes quite fast when you are shopping with something in mind but somehow simply cannot find it. At the end, the trip can be considered somewhat wasteful save for some good singing I've heard and this is not to mention how a particular game I bought, in fact the most expensive one, simply cannot work because of dvd format. Much like 'Farrell's ho gai siao' and Derderian's module then, deeper emotional bonds can emerge from some experiences that may not be that enjoyable. Yet, unlike both the above-mentioned examples, this trip is nice precisely because it successfully attained a balance. One can do the touristy stuffs and one can engage in deeper socialization when we were not out having 'fun'.

Indeed, it was possibly, though hopefully not, the last chance that we can holiday as a group. Although there were inconveniences like time wasting in checking in and out of hotel rooms, waiting for people and even looking for 'lost' personnel, it was always nice at the end when we had our communal meals and chit chat sessions, 谈心谈情。It was most worthwhile considering how I knew a bit more about Jennifer and Jaime, two people whom I did not have much chance to talk to in the entirety of my academic life. Think the feelings are somewhat mutual considering how Jennifer mentioned she finally understood why I'm a very 'auntie' person. It was also good that I had a richer engagement with Soon Onn, whom I feel is indeed one of the most eligible bachelors in the history department and certainly a good friend. Of course, there's always a blemish somewhere especially when you need some privacy to have a long discussion during both travelling and resting times. But privacy, one can always get it later. A nice company however, is really 可遇而不可求。

And I did quite a brave thing.

Silly mother.

2005-05-15T02:59:00.000+08:00

I don't know what possessed her. Throughout the night, she persistently tried to tell me about her pair of earrings. Diamonds are a girl's best friend you know? I caved in and told her to just show me. Guess how much? $298? No! $500 discount become $400! It was more than what Dad promised to get for her. So I said, "Not bad! No wonder you acting like a young girl lah." Blatantly she said, "Cannot mei, I'm a young girl mah. First time I get somemore. The earrings nice right?" ......

When you have a mother like her, it's very hard not to laugh about her and some of the stuff she said. Like her kou tou chan "Your laoma very clever one you know?" Yeah lah i know i know. If not how can you bear an intelligent one like me?

Thanks Jiao Zhu! For a wonderful song.

2005-05-15T00:26:00.000+08:00

<<寂寞的季節>>

曲：陶吉吉 | 詞：娃娃

風吹落最後一片葉我的心也飄著雪
愛只能往回憶裡堆棧 oh~ 給下個季節
忽然間樹梢冒花蕊我怎麼會都沒有感覺
oh~ 整條街都是戀愛的人我獨自走在暖風的夜
多想要向過去告別當季節不停更迭 oh~
卻還是少一點堅決在這寂寞的季節 *
艷陽高照在那海邊愛情盛開的世界
遠遠看著熱鬧一切 oh~ 我記得那狂烈
窗外是快枯黃的葉感傷在心中有一些 oh~
我瞭解那些愛過的人心是如何慢慢在凋謝
多想要向過去告別當季節不停更迭 oh~
卻還是少一點堅決在這寂寞的季節
又走過風吹的冷冽最後一盞燈熄滅
從回憶我慢慢穿越在這寂寞的季節
還是寂寞的季節一樣寂寞的季節

And you are hearing an excerpt of it. *

The first thing that struck me is the sense of irony that the artiste is trying to convey with his failed attempt to cheer himself up with the simple and somewhat endearing melody because the situation facing him is simply too heart-breaking. Shallow interpretation aside, the song actually made me felt a lot better. No reasons why, it just is. Kudos to Sontag. More importantly, many thanks to Hanyong for sharing.

<<短歌行>>

2005-05-14T14:27:00.000+08:00

对酒当歌，人生几何？
譬如朝露，去日苦多。
慨当以慷，忧思难忘。
何以解忧？唯有杜康。

-- 曹操

What a pity then that I cannot appreciate the finer aspects of what Chye Guan endearingly termed the 'social lubricants'.

Catherine's Utopia or Dystopia?

2005-05-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

With the recent event surrounding a certain prominent local company and ex-scholar, shi xiong aptly advised that one should try to be as apolitical as possible in one's blog. Such lack of political commentaries in Singaporean blogs were also criticized by a particular ex-sociology professor. No wonder we always poke at sociologists; they simply cannot write in more digestible terms and obstinately insists that their models and modes of thinking is correct. Digressed. In my opinion however, this blog was created with the sole purpose of sharing thoughts with those from my social mandala. As long as I comment responsibly without the intention to libel or hurt a person's feeling, I think I am entitled to exercise my write to speak out.

Anyways, I was quite taken aback when Straits Times ran a commentary by Catherine Lim about the model of PAP governence. Her prose is fine. While certainly not as good as some of the American intellectuals we've studied in class, she did try to convey a message to the majority of the population. It was quite daring on her part to suggest that much of our government did not change except the attempt to put on an image of an inclusive one basing its decision on various feedbacks and consultation sessions. While I do agree that many Singaporeans still tend to keep their mouth shut when it comes to making certain comments and the need for a credible opposition voice just so that our MM's fear of future Singaporean leaders being corrupt with complacency, I think Miss Lim strove too much to apply Western concepts of democracy onto our society in her search for a local identity and culture. The other scenario she described about our people fleeing at the sign of danger due to the lack of training in independent political thought with political freedom is I view, too pessimistic and sorely distrustful of the country as a whole.

That said, I'm actually glad that such a previously considered as insidious piece of writing was published for all to engage in a serious political and intellectual debate in making Singapore a better place to stay in. At the very least, I think Miss Lim would agree that we are making some progress.

Being at home is a chore.

2005-05-13T02:25:00.000+08:00

People who knew me for a long period of time know that I am quite a family-oriented person who can 'sacrifice' certain social events just to be with my closed ones, especially my cousins from the extended family. Yet, they also know I am closer to them than my own brother and father who I must profess I did not have really deep ties with.

For the former I think it was more due to a bad timing. We were of course close when young. Being the elder I had to fetch him from his school since he was Primary 1 while I was in Primary 4 when laoma started work. It is perfectly fine with me and I did what was told. Even when I got into Catholic High, I continued to bring him back home when I could and even played void deck soccer with his classmates. This however did not last as his class were being separated due to streaming. I also find myself more busy with the O Levels. Whatever close ties we have from playing games and going out became thinner as I stepped into HCJC while he remained in CHS, I entered the Army while he was in TJ, I entered NUS while he entered BMTC and OCS, and I stayed at home while he chose to live in the hostel. In a mere period of less than ten years, I find myself unable to communicate with him the way I thought I could. I seriously do not know how to help him despite so many months of pain that he endured. I can only observe, spy and try to be open.

Yet, it is not easy trying to think nothing happened when you still find him accessing suicidal pages and smsing to himself questioning who he really is. Worse, when I told laoma and dad what I knew, dad will immediately turn into denial mood, thinking that I am trying my best to destroy him. Yes, he thinks its my fault for supporting what NUS did and he would rather I not be at home to disturb my brother. Yes, I should be gentlemanly, yes I should be considerate and yes I should not act like a spoilt child but how long can one take those outrightly exclusionary stares? Ba Zi Bu He: self fulfilling prophecy or is it really true?

Everyone wants, I would actually go further and suggest needs based on Maslow, some form of recognition. Exams are over and graduation is near but so what? After much discussion in which I am excluded, they tell me it's better I live in the hostel. For what? So that my brother can continue to have his own private space. And I do not need that space? It is not often I get to use my laptop and chat with friends. I do not even have much chance to play video games, not that there are nice releases recently. Sure, there's comics and books but the feeling of reading in the living room with noise around me is different from closing the door to our room which is quieter.

Being at home is depressive, at least for me in my current state of mind. I want to be out of the house doing something but nothing spurs me to do so. There's of course various social activities but somehow, I do not wish to pass my negativity around. I know whose company and what situations can cheer me up but you simply do not go around pestering people especially if everyone's busy with their own social life. Besides, it's both financially and ironically mentally strenous to go out everyday. After so many days of hanging out, I wanted solitude today at home but I find myself unable to cope with the situation at home again. I do hope the trip to Malaysia would be fun as promised. Work is to start in 20th June. This mood I am having simply cannot go on much longer. Escape should not be the only viable option.

Cheers to Uchenna and Joyce for an outstanding lesson

2005-05-12T15:30:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the finale of The Amazing Race and I was extremely glad that Uchenna and Joyce won the competition despite facing some immense challenges. Of course they are not related to me in anyway despite me being reputed as an 'African American-centric historian' but I have always rooted for the underdogs who through their determination, worked against the odds to emerge victorious. In fact, I was also rooting for Meredith and Gretchen, the outstanding elderly couple (and Gretchen was always entertaining with her endearing nagging ways) but alas they lost out by taking a later flight to London. Indeed, these groups strove to do their best instead of repeatedly conniving against the other contestants, something which I dare not say about other prominent groups.

We are often being placed in morally dilemmatic situations and it is especially more so in a competitive society like ours. Nobody likes to be losers, myself included but I think if it is achieved on the basis of lies and immoral deeds, on 'harming' someone in the process, then I think I'd rather abstain from winning, thank you very much. Dilligence and a commitment towards doing good, like how Uchenna and Joyce repeatedly gave favours to other contestants, should be the way in attaining certain successes in life. It is certainly not easy but no one is a born loser and there is definitely no need in commiting some trickery to win.

Yes, Life is a big game but you can definitely abide by certain rules while playing it.

Exams over!!!!!!!

2005-05-09T01:00:00.000+08:00

Exams were long over and it's only till now that I manage to post something because of a barrage of activities, from the wonderful party at Jenn's place to packing up in the honours room and submitting passport and money to SZ today. In the end, will waiting for SO, we went to gramophone and I finally bought two dvds which I wanted to buy for a very long time. Glad that Erm also liked Sister Act which she aptly described as one of those rare shows that you will still enjoy even after watching it for 20 times. And I just finished the show and watching the extremely funny rolling credits.

But what's next despite all the socializing and entertainment? It will be a big step forward as I start to enact my role as a contributing adult both to society and family. I guess I'm still not that prepared considering how I still enjoyed loitering around in our hangout, soon to be removed, in the history honours room. School still seemed easier and so much fun. Thank goodness I have some excellent company in NIE. This should help us all get used to a new life.

Drowning in SEA waters...

2005-05-05T02:27:00.000+08:00

To quote from but modifying somewhat boiboi's current (as of 5th May 2.28am) MSN nickname, I think I really sucked at Southeast Asian history. The readings are difficult for me because of information overload. The discussions in the IVLE forum, while certainly nuanced and informative are too scholarly and cheem for me. In short, I know not what the various SEA experts in the class are talking about in most of, if not all of, the posts.

Thank goodness I am somewhat bochuping this exam or I would certainly get a panic attack, although you can argue that this blog entry by itself is an indication of insecurity which I do not think I will refute anyway. Ironic? Who wouldn't want to do his/her best? It is simply too irresponsible not to.

How to chao keng your NS

2005-05-04T01:09:00.000+08:00

Strangely, I found out that someone was searching for information on how to chao keng; which is to act or pretend in order to impress others or escape being given extra duties or responsibilities as explained by TalkingCock, NS on yahoo search page before bumping his way into this blog. Over the course of my whole NS life, I of course encountered many methods, some dubious, some exaggerated, some fanciful and some even painful. Nonetheless, they all shared a common characteristic which is they are all good for a laugh of two. Since I am afterall 'Chao Keng' Tan from G26 BMTC sch 1 (1998-99), mortar platoon 46SAR (1999-2001 June) and platoon 2 ATEC (2001 Jan-May), perhaps I shall provide information on how to chao keng in the esteemed SAF with specific attention on how to escape duties and responsibilities.

A) Methods to get attend B, visit the medical center and various 'discounts' in training.

1. Eat Colgate toothpaste in the morning. It can cause a slight fever for a while but that little time saved in reporting to the medical center is much energy saved since you would escape the dreaded SOC session.

2. Dip cigarette ash into your eyes. This can result in conjunctivities and you'll be warded into the sick bay.

3. Complain intense and splitting pain in your headache. Whine pitifully. The kind MO may give you excuse sunlight. Plus, you can book out of camp for specialist treatment. Just don't book in that early.

4. Scrotum discomfort.

5. Don't adopt proper foot hygiene. Get a very bad case of foot rot and get excuse boots.

Do not forget to complain to the MO that you are too sick and report that your company encik always find sick people to do unreasonable chores. Bluff an Attend B (Excuse Fatigue) tag! But if you can't , do not worry because there is the next section...

B) Methods to siam or evade 'arrows'

1. Persistently 'sabo' by acting blur. Agree to tasks but show them that you really (of course you are purely feigning it) are not clear of what to do. Finally, do not complete the task given. Later, they will complain that you cannot do work and even if you volunteered, they would say that it is a waste of time to get you to do work as you are just not as dependable.

2. Purposely be the target of 'big' arrows. These include the difficult tasks of moving stores that usually require more people. But these are visible tasks and people generally try to arrow you less instead of disturbing you to do boring and mundane ones like picking leaves and cleaning the armskote. These are not appreciated and clearly not as visible to put you in a favorable light.

C) Methods to get Attend C at home.

1. Extract wisdom tooth for 7 days.

2. Undergo circumcision for more days.

3. Visit a private clinic which is actually manned by your MO! Say to him that your camp MO do not believe that the leg is really painful. Since he is accepting money now and is scared of your complaints of him moonlighting, that Attend C become possible.

D) Methods to get downgrade.

1. Soak yourself into a lovely grass bath. Use grass like it was your bathing sponge until your skin react to it. Complain to the MO that you are allergic to grass.

Of course, you can always be the good man and hope that whoever is up there will help you. In short, wait for the SAF itself to 'cock up' and post you who are fit and willing to soldier on to be expendable stores storeman!

DISCLAIMER : This compilation is obtained from experiences revolving around me, my friends and our army-mates. While the examples may be quite true in the story related, it is more for fun during reminisce instead of being a sure-win formula for chao kenging. Many in fact gives you quite a lot of pain or inconveniences. Worse, you'll be the talking point of the platoon! Just do your NS to the best of your ability and you'll actually realize that while it is difficult, it is also quite fun. That's why we guys talked about it every now and then. The experience's simply too transformative to be ignored.

ORD mood!

2005-05-04T00:32:00.000+08:00

Must get rid of this evil mindset before the end of today! Was in school to do my transcript for MOE appointment briefing but a 'suggestion' by our dear sz caused me to stay in school from 9.30am to 9.30pm doing absolutely nothing. In short, I played chess with yh and mahjong with the rest, although I must clarify that for most of the time, I am but a stand-in. Once I reached home, worse. I thought I can start studying but in the end I watched the 7pm Channel 8 show; recorded of course. Now, I am blogging and concurrently watching Premier League Highlights. Later in the day, I will be watching Champion's League Live, American Idol Live, Square Pegs and the Amazing Race.

This is very unbecoming though! I should really start to study and not think about what to catch on TV! Yeah right. It's the ORD mood and you know what our dear NSF do when they are feeling thus? Bochup! So how? I think I will continue with my carefree attitude to eliminate stress and take my time study to at least ensure I am able to write something down on paper. Besides, let me be silly and adopt an ah-Q attitude: Many people need this module for a make or break, someone must lay the foundation right? So why not be me? haha.

Condolences to the family of the late Dr Wee Kim Wee

2005-05-02T21:12:00.000+08:00

He was truly a people's President. Ever modest and compassionate. Though I was young when he was president, I still remembered how he promised free medical service to the victims of Hotel New World and participated in countless charity drives. Perhaps it is somewhat fitting that he chose to leave us at the day whence the Istana is opened to the public for President's Charity Challenge without much pain.

The coffee shop uncle shall complain about the proposed fare hike!

2005-05-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

SMRT had submitted a proposal for fare increase in its mrt and bus services. It felt that it was an appropriate time for increase because the economy is on the recovery, and reasonable considering how SMRT had absorbed increases in electricity, GST and oil prices just to name a few. Even though revenue had increased, costs are increasing too. Besides, like what Transportation Minister Yeow had mentioned, the fare increase will amount to some 2-3 cents at the most.

Well, I guess it sure sounds like what SMRT did was right despite the fact that its profits also increased which I find it strange that it only assumed a small sidenote space in the 30th April issue of the Straits Times. I mean its only 2 cents right? An interviewee for mediacorp even said that it would be reasonable if the increase is to range from 10 to 20 cents. Besides, the last increase was 2002 and since then the economy is definitely on the increase shown by the increasing STI and how more people are buying that dream car and house of theirs. But think again.

Like what the chairman of CASE said, I feel that it is quite 'unreasonable' to propose a fare increase now especially when the lower strata of the society, some 20% of Singaporeans according to the news who ironically relied the most on public transport, are still facing economic crises of their own. Unemployment rates are still at a relative high. Do the government expect these people to walk from Serangoon to NIE (pun certainly intended) or stay at home more often like what an interviewee expressed?

Having said that, I think 2 cents is really ok I guess provided that the next hike not arrive that soon. Say a person is to take a bus to the mrt before changing for another bus. A 2 cents increase would mean that for each day, he/she will spend 12-18 cents more or roughly 3-5 bucks per month. If the increase is to be 5 cents or worse 10-20 cents like what the rich yuppie proposed (and mentioned earlier in the blog), the financial burden it would impose on the poor would undoubtedly be great.

Before remaking Singapore to a fun place to live in with integrated resorts for everyone to enjoy, let's not forget the equally important task in not making it more difficult and stressful to live in. This, I am certain the government will know without the need to consult a 'longkang' fish.

a time for inclusion?

2005-04-30T22:53:00.000+08:00

One of the recent 'hot' topics in our honours room, actually the only one I knew of since I do not exactly mix around with all the classmates, is undoubtedly the debate involving J and HX over someone. J's comments in fact made me feel somewhat ashamed of what I had done. I must profess that in this semester, I can and should be considered one of those harshest, if not the most critical, to the said someone. In the public view of everyone, I 'chopped-chopped' him during our presentation. It is only recently that I heard he is not very happy over it and that is an understatement I think. Certainly, I still believe my stand was valid considering how I did try to explain to him why I stopped him that abruptly but reflecting back, it was most definitely too sudden and rude a gesture however 'professional' the intention was.

I do not think HX is wrong because it was simply an honest expression and he did accept the responsibility of making an otherwise irresponsible statement. That said, I think like what shixiong mentioned, J's comments did make a lot of sense. While it is perfectly alright to tease friends along the way, we should actually strive in this particular situation to seek ways to enhance the said person's character development. Before that, perhaps we should first ask ourselves exactly why we find it easy to actually exclude him from much of our social activities.

Certainly, those among us who tried to talk to him find it difficult and somewhat tiresome in the long run. That definitely happened to me during Farrell's fieldtrip. Being similarly at the back of the bus, I took notice of his loneliness so we tried to chat with him and invite him along on some of our eating escapades to hopefully include him within the social circle. Of course, the subject matter he brought up started to take a toil on most of us. Yet, we should question why his insistance to talk of his countries of origin. Nationalistic pride? I think not. Missing home. I think we can agree that it is. Indeed, when I was in the States, I find myself, especially at the later periods when I get increasingly homesick, talking about Singapore, the culture and the food more till my friends stopped me. They are a wonderful and global bunch though so I wasn't excluded despite some of my antics.

That was only for a period of 6 months and when we think how long the said person had been settling in Singapore, we should recognize it is not easy. The attention grabbing persona could in fact be seen as a most sincere expression of a need for social relations. People seek attention because they are lonely. Perhaps we should do what shixiong suggest and try to build a more inclusive environment for him. I think I'm ready for a second try.

teacher in the limelight

2005-04-29T12:02:00.000+08:00

Recent news once again had put the teacher into the limelight. A polytechnic lecturer was arrested in Thailand for a certain inappropriate behaviour. Parents are led to questioning yet again just exactly why such people of somewhat questionable character can be tasked with the job of educating their children. I remembered how a teacher was similarly convicted in the past for possessing child pornography. The teacher was actually well-liked and dedicated in his profession. A car accident unfortunately damaged his neural connections to such a great degree that he started viewing child pornography simply because he could not control his actions. It was a genuine case of mental illness.

This is of course not an attempt to defend the current teacher who is in the limelight but we have to consider why this 'news'is being sensationalized. Will it gain the same prominence if the said teacher visited Geylang instead? I actually felt compelled to believe the same even though it seemed more natural because many people in society still equate teachers as noble beings who could do little, if not no wrong, or paradoxically see them as people doing everything wrong because of the present education system that actually desacralizes this particular profession.

Let us be realistic though. Teachers are fellow human beings who have emotions and needs. Although people joined the profession for varying reasons, perhaps even selfish at times but without a compassion for people, without a desire to nurture the next generation and without a basic respect for individuals across all strata, not many will actually choose to teach considering especially the stressful environment in schools. Teachers indeed constitute the majority of patients in our IMH. Give them then, a breathing space and exercise mutual respect and cooperation. Afterall, the only people who benefit from such a relationship are the children of the now and future.

Two more to go!

2005-04-25T15:44:00.000+08:00

Yes, two more papers to go before the end of my varsity life. Somewhat looking forward to it. Somewhat apprehensive for it would signify a new phase in life. Am I ready? I wonder.

Anyways, today is one of those rare days whence I came out of the examination hall actually feeling quite good that I had at least answered the questions necessary to hopefully get a B+ for this module. Of course, an A- would be excellent news but considering the awesome classmates I had this semester, that is too far-fetch for a B is hard to get considering the curve. I guess my 'good' record with IG will come to an end with both AI and ISM.

Having said that, it's time to bury myself in DDR's writings and the various presentation notes. I wonder how I can write non-stop for at least 1 hour and 55 minutes for such a 'restrictive' module content-wise. Some of us even made an informal pact that if we got really nothing more to write, we'll leave the hall even if one hour was left on the clock. That just about reflects the attitudes we have for this honestly uninteresting module (well to me at least). To perhaps ensure that I got some things to write about instead of blankly staring into space or worse his face, I actually photocopied the entirety of his brilliant treatise

which "is a chronicle as engaging, complex, and historically rich as its subjects" according to a reviewer from the University of Portsmouth found here

Hmm... I certainly do hope so or I'll sleep before I even passed the first page. Here's good luck to those going to take historiography in an hours time and my fellow comrade-in-arms in DDR's class on wednesday! We had survived the presentations and headscarves controversy, we will survive the final question!

Slight depression or plain laziness?

2005-04-21T21:18:00.000+08:00

Finally, I get to resurrect this dying site after submitting my last assignment of the semester yesterday and some pushing by SZ today. I must admit that it has been a long while since I last blogged. It will probably take a few postings before I get used to it again.

Though the exams are nearing, most of my thoughts had been preoccupied with what happened in the past month or so. Certainly, I had some bad chain of events in my life considering that I am down with bronchitis and how things at home never really turned for the better. Yet, while these are understandably legitimate reasons that will affect a student's productivity, I must question whether my incapacity to do work was due to a depressive or defiant mood.

Indeed, inertia is a key factor whenever I'm faced with the prospect of writing an essay. From AI, ISM, DDR to classical empires, I enjoy the process of reading much more than articulating my ideas into a coherent essay. I would stall in front of the computer, get worried about how my final project would turn out and whether I can actually maintain my CAP (just for that few hundreds but nonetheless essential since; and I shall unabashedly declare that; I am from the working class). It was definitely stressful and I find myself shedding tears at times over how useless I am in juggling both school work and family responsibility.

On other instances though, I think I deserved to be shot for acting lazy. While time could be better used for researching, writing and studying, I find myself playing chess, simulated arcade games in my laptop and engaging in other intellectual activities. School work was definitely compromised in the process but that was exactly what I simply did not want or perhaps fear to do.

Anyways, to quote a clique expression, 'what's done cannot be undone'. I think it is time to move on and ready myself for the last hurdle to cross in my NUS career instead of thinking if I am depressed or not. Besides, the use of the word depression is probably inappropriate considering that it is not of the clinical type and there are days I remain generally cheerful. The weightage for exams this semester is comparatively light but they are never easy to score. Fortune favours the brave and good luck only accompanies the 'gud lut' (or hardworking). Good luck to my friends out there who are having examinations. Many thanks especially to you supportive people (yes, the list is inclusive of our nice lecturers) like f,cg,zq,sz,yh,jer, yc,cl,ig and bl for making a difficult period easy to bear with.

what a wonderful day...

2005-02-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

Today proved that despite everything, I really missed my cadets back in MPSS. Initially, it was to help my OC since he said that he'll need the manpower at the range but in the end, I missed talking to them so much that I'll even forego a shoot after the cadets had theirs.

Quite a lot of MPSS students actually know who I am so I was pleasantly surprised when after entering the school compound, outsiders from other CCAs come and greet me again. Some I did teach before when I was doing relief teaching but most just know my face and gave a wave. While buying a bottle of water, Fithriyah, Rosnita, Leonard, Ilyas and gang greet from far, laughed, waved and came over. Of course, I gave my lecture as usual but somehow, I lost a bit of the ability to talk to them on their level. Must be due to the lack in chances to talk about range, safety procedures and shooting technique. But, it turned out well. Even though we only had 14 marksmen/women, it was quite an improvement from their practice shoot last year.

Surprisingly, a cadet from Manjusri by the name of Chun Zhong remembered who I was. I was helping him by stressing that he should not snap at the trigger and should instead take his time to pull it. After his shoot, he said that he remembered who I am and that I was the one who helped him in his Sec Two shoot as well. Now that's very heartwarming to know that someone had appreciated your efforts to teach them the finer points of shooting a .22 and remembered it.

Indeed, the day reminded me exactly why it was that I hope to go into teaching. To see cadets laughing at their success, crying at their failure and accepting their mistakes, yet in the end go back home together and had drinks at the hawker center really made my day. In fact, a lot of them had either grown more handsome or prettier. How they had developed and grown.

When will the phone ring?

2005-02-22T00:12:00.000+08:00

Ring-ring and I picked up the phone. "Mr Tan? I need to confirm that the date of delivery is 28th Feb?" I, "Yeah." "Hello, Ma Guang ah?" I, "Wrong number." "Coming back now." I, "Pa, ma coming back now!" Haiz. I sure miss those days whereby the friends or even classmates will call for a short chit chat. Sometimes, those chit chats can even last hours attesting to the fact that boys bitch too.

But when is it such that phonecalls are the prerogatives of couples nowadays? You see people calling others up but unless you are in a bgr, the calls will not be as long lasting nor as intensive. Ever had the experience of say conversing with someone on the internet but they gone missing? Apparently they went to talk with their significant other. Nothing wrong of course but why can't friends call others up to even give short greetings?

Some of the people I spoke to gave reasons why they don't like to make phonecalls. They think it disallowed multi-tasking for instance. Better to use MSN etc because you can surf, chat and listen to music all at the same time. Others prefer face to face interaction which is of course good too and yet some thought it improper to invade other people's privacy. Read somewhere that by making a call, you are imposing yourself onto others because you expect that person to entertain your call whether they are busy or not. Certainly, these are all just reasons. I for one prefer using SMS to disseminate information etc (of course, the phone bill counts considering my plan has 1000 sms free haha)

I guess for me, it's ironic that I'll prefer to listen to the person's voice then to read what they type for me in the chat window at night, and yet dislike the intrusion phone calls can pose. Sad to say, I'm pretty bad at multi-tasking so even when I am chatting on MSN, it is using a lot of my attention. Is it a matter of the technology then that made people less personal? I think instead that the exercise of personal choice is more important. If you value that particular someone, friend or significant other or what, then you would make the effort to call and the other accept or excuse themselves depending on how free they are. Hence, it makes me question at times just what is it that made us so busy and unwilling to make a call or two? Of course I am guilty myself so a change is perhaps in order?

Photos are the very validation of your existence...

2005-02-21T01:07:00.000+08:00

HX and YH came to my house today and I took out the pics I took in the States to let them have a look. Yh asked whether I had any pictures of Singapore but there was none because I always made a conscious effort not to take pictures even though I was in the photographic society. Seeing how many blogs are actually putting up pictures on the web, I wonder yet again why is that some people just absolutely adores to take photographs of themselves?

In the movie One Hour Photo, Sy (Robin Williams) made an argument on why people take pictures that still haunts me somewhat. Well, I think the movie was one of the best psychologically haunting show but I digress. He said that people take photographs of themselves because it is the only way to chart their development and proved that they existed. If you have no photographs of yourself since young, the memory would be a blur and lost sooner than later. What happened would be that you cannot recollect your whole past experiences. Photographs therefore chronicled your very existence.

Initially I was quite indignant to that chain of thought because I think I should live the way I like and why should I be so egoistic to take photographs of myself wherever I go? Yet, when I think now that there are simply so few photographs of myself, I wonder is it really such that there is no memorable moments in my life and I had wasted much of my time? I do not have any pictures of my primary school life. Lost all when the house was renovating. Did not have many in my secondary school life too even though I was in the photographic society. I simply did not have that much money to even buy the film, much less developing them. Had a few photos in JC but that's just that. As for my army life, had an album but it wasn't very significant though there is one I liked a lot whereby the bomb was seen firing off from my own mortar. But I do have quite a lot taken in the States. Yet, when you compare how my cousin took the same amount of pictures I did in half a year when she went for a three week trip to New Zealand, it really cannot be counted as many, can it?

In fact, I had a debate with that cousin of mine, who is a girl by the way, about the way we took pictures. I," Why is that every picture has you in it? So Din Dei" She, "Why is it that all your pictures do not have you in it? So boring!" Frankly, I like to take pictures of beautiful stuff or things that I feel can resonate within. I think taking pictures of me destroys the nature or environment that I want to capture. If there is going to be people inside, then at least it should be a group picture so that the subject matter became your friends instead of the environment. But taking pics of yourself? No need bah.

Yet, increasingly, I began to think that I should really start to take pictures of both myself and the things around Singapore that endears to me. Certainly, I will not hide the fact that the picture yh took of the old couple from the MRT was a piece of 'art'. This makes me rethink why is it that I prefer to collect memories in the States but not in Singapore? What if I am to die or Singapore is to fall without me taking pictures of me? (TOUCHWOOD!) I guess there is no point in treasuring something after you lost it. Simply treasure it now and I guess photographs is indeed an extremely good way to 'eternalize' that thing which really touched your heart, be it yourself, your closed ones, or the environment. It is more about preserving what you thought had contributed to your development instead of bragging rights and the mere validation of your own existence.

Why so cynical?

2005-02-21T01:03:00.000+08:00

We were going to sz's place for chinese new year visiting when we met a person literally crying for help in the bus. The first impression is that he must be a conman. Besides the flawed storyline, I could smell alcohol and cigarette smoke through his breathe. Now, he's a drunk conman. However, even though I tried to appear indifferent to his 'horrible' plight of being robbed, somehow I could not. Tried to even help him by suggesting to bring him to Geylang NPC but he gave a lot of reasons why he did not want to. Yeah I know I am bad in the sense that I contemplated and tried to escape to him but when shi xiong relented, I did too. No matter what, he did try to create a scene to get some donations. Even if you did not believe him, to throw away his own reputation and 'face' to put up such a pitiful show somewhat reflects a high level of desperation. Gave him the stuff that he was asking for and his attitude of course made a full swing. Now you've managed to get my money, there's no need to "fawn". Throughout, none of the passengers in the front even cast an inquisitive or caring glance to our side.

Shi xiong said this event was more memorable than our daring visit to a minister's place. Well, I agree simply because the "con-artist" and his actions set me thinking. When did I lose my compassion and let "objective" judgement take over? I know that as a HO we are supposed to know of such stuff and teach our cadets how to identify the conman etc. Even if we were touched, we should not give the money to them because lord knows what they'll do with it: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, even sex? But why the cynicism? Why do we doubt first, get convinced later, and finally regret the stupid decision? Why can't we trust the inherent goodness of a fellow human being and agree to help no matter what? Money is but something external and why did I even think of not giving him money?

I'm really unhappy with the way I acted. Wasn't resolute enough in either rendering the help he requested or refusing to give in to his con-act. Relenting eventually made me think of myself as both an idiot who fell into the oldest trick in the book and an incompassionate bastard who did not give the help the person truly needs. I really wanted to bring him to Geylang NPC since he claimed he was hit and robbed but alas. Giving money is just so patronizing at times even if it is what they asked for.

And why the other bus passengers did not even interfere to help the poor chap or help us suckers out is unfathomable to my simple mind. But when I think in their shoes and realised how I would avoid such a situation too; because I did alight early to "get rid" of the man; there is simply nothing to fault about the public's reaction. Just that, why is our society at times so darn cynical? What would you have done in this case?

Hello Cher Kiat!

2005-02-16T16:29:00.000+08:00

Reading again I see? Tsk tsk. :p

A Break from Derderian... how nice...

2005-02-16T15:38:00.000+08:00

Finally, a rest from Derderian. I don't know why but increasingly I find myself devoid of ideas for his module and feeling generally burnt out. What a nice feeling to finally not be searching for articles online, not reading them and not preparing for our group's meetings on sunday, while doing blogging and reading the AIH forum. Indeed, what a release to finally do the stuff I am much more interested in.

I posed this question to a number of people before with mixed results. Can you just do your own stuff and not show consideration to other group members? Most times, I wish that I can stop busying myself with Derderian and start doing my ISM. Yes, I have not even started my ISM and is in fact taking quite a bit of flak from closed ones. But, how can you do personal work when group stakes are involved? Sure, you can do limited work but I still think it quite impossible to do so in my group. I don't think I am a neither a good team member or a team leader but at least I do what is asked of me, sometimes going beyond when in times of need. It is the last semester, you cannot possibly let your groupmates down. Do your best to help is it not?

Hence, the struggle and the welcomed break. For once, I can slowly read and digest the posts in AIH forum even though the topic was not to my liking. And finally, at least I get to start reading up on my ISM topic. Luckily, I have ideas at my mind which can help me in limiting the range of works to be read but unfortunately, this is not in the true spirit of research. Thinking through, I guess I would dread the following weeks because each and every one would be busier with their respective work. Though now I am still team-oriented, I guess when mid-March hits, the panic button would be pressed for AIH essay, ISM, Lockhart's essay and I may become more single-minded though I hope not.

To be or not to be, that is the question. And I am facing this dilemma of being more selfish and concentrate on ISM, or being selfless and sacrifice my ISM or be in the middle? I still do not know. Maybe I need an ultimatum from my sup to really get me moving sia.

No valentine for me?

2005-02-16T15:30:00.000+08:00

Darn. The joke turned against myself. LOL! Now it made me feel somewhat inadequate that I cannot even bluff my friends into having a date with me. Thanks a lot AKM! :p But, yc was right. You don't need Vday to appreciate those around you. If you do, then I guess you are quite in trouble.

Be my valentine?

2005-02-13T23:17:00.000+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you out there!

For those in a relationship, wish that everything goes smoothly for you and your partner. For those yearning to be in one, wish that you'll find the one destined for you sooner than later. For those still enjoying singlehood, wish that you'll enjoy happy friendships throughout.

Just to ask though, anyone out there who is willing to be my Valentine for a day to catch Finding Neverland or Howl's Moving Castle?

on the complain queen and insecure male...

2005-02-13T22:12:00.000+08:00

I was browsing through today Sunday Times and even though there were a number of interesting issues, two person writing into the paper got my attention.

A certain Miss Tan was reporting how in her estate, the karang guni man often arrives early with his tools and cries, waking her up in the process at 8am on a lovely sunday morning. She hoped the relevant authorities can take this case up and prevent or at least lower the frequency of karang guni visits. If the karang guni man is not in need of the income from his work, who wouldn't want to sleep on a sunday morning and enjoy time with his family? I once tutored a student whose family is involved in the karang guni business. Many of the stuff they collected, they can either use for themselves, sell at Sungei market or to other second hand goods store but it is not the kind of occupation whereby you can make enough money from. Instead of at least considering the plight of others, here we have an obviously educated woman making a scene publicly. Sometimes, I feel ashamed that there are such Singaporeans around who 1) think only for themselves and 2) always asking the authorities for intervention when it is of not much (or in this case zero) significance. To Miss Tan, there is actually a simple solution to your problems that cost only 2 bucks: a pair of earplugs. I sincerely hope it works and you can thus sleep better while the karang guni man is not robbed of his work.

From the garang woman who has a 'point' to make to the sensitive guy who wrote in for a point or two, is it a reflection of changing gender roles? I wonder. Anyways, the guy was lamenting on how he got injured, was downgraded by the Medical Officer and posted to do light duty. Somehow, he felt his manhood threatened and that he feel it embarassing to confess such a thing to girls in the future. Hmmm, in fact, I think he had got himself into a meaty situation considering how many wanted to get downgraded but that's beside the point. The point is, what's wrong with doing 'light' duty? Without the administrative clerks, the storeman, the battalion is without organization as stores and information will not be passed around. Furthermore, the counsellor was most right in pointing out that his injury may pose a problem to both himself and his platoon mates in the future. What is wrong with being the base, the worker ant in the ant hierarchy? Hence, I am actually feeling indignant to learn that the 'unofficial' doctrine of our dear armed forces is that only officers can get excellent on their NS record sheet. Man and specialist can get very good at best. I hope corporals and lances who got excellent can prove me wrong and show that there is indeed recognition at the base level.

Anyways, I am a mortarman, someone involved in the combat front. Despite my size, I did pass my SOC and get a silver in IPPT. So no one can actually label me a CK (aka chao keng) kid ok? Oh no! I am downgrading myself to the 'sensitive'guy mentioned above! How inappropriate.

Wan Shi Ru Yi, Xin Xiang Shi Cheng!

2005-02-09T01:56:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year to all of you!!! Hope everyone has:

Loved the Mahjong show!

2005-02-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

Most Hong Kong films featuring mahjong are quite crass. Granted, there's always Chow Yun Fatt and his God of Gamblers but mahjong was not the star of the show. If mahjong played the main supporting role in HK dramas or movies, it is either used to cheat people or used for social cohesion in wedding sessions and other family settings. One of the most endearing scenes was when Amy Yip (for once she was a housewife and not showing her 'assets') colluded with the other three players. Passing out because of over-excitement whereby she won loads of money by losing (since she is sharing her winnings with all three players), her sister took over but she won all the 'Thirteen Odds', 'Four Big Happiness' and 'Heaven's Glory' etc.

But this time, mahjong was the big role and the focus for one was not about winning money. Various gems came up in this show. 'Ren Pin Hao, Pai Pin Hao.' "It's not about winning but about how you played because you cannot always get good hands." I do believe too that the more you don't want to win in the mahjong game, the more you actually win because your conduct invariably affects the way you plays The subject matter in short was on how you should conduct yourself in front of the mahjong table and mahjong is just another game, albeit an intelligent one. So even when you are losing that few dollars. Just smile and the luck will return someday. At least, try to minimize losses and that is also an intelligent way of winning.

To all these, I must exclaim "YEAH!"

understanding is the basis of relationships

2005-02-06T19:00:00.000+08:00

Just how much do you understand a person? I think reading my blog itself merely gives a person a small slice of myself. Certainly, all the posts can give one a basic, or rather a superficial, understanding of me, what happened in my life, my preferences etc but somehow, to say that you knew me better is most wrong because I think when claiming understanding with such little interactions, you in fact do not understand the person.

It is not the case of hiding my feelings and writings since I know more people are reading my blog when I say you do not understand me. That is of course a separate issue but just to give a short explanation, let me say that I do not hide anything when I blog. Yet, due to the limitations of textual explanations on the web and the fact that I cannot possibly write everything, I don't think it proper to actually say that ,"Oh, now I know Chee Keong slightly better." To use what Shi Xiong actually said in the AIH forum, "if one is unsure, one shouldn't speculate." In fact, if you base me on what I wrote, it is simply knowing the tip of the iceberg and I think I am probably too "big" a person to be known simply through these short and random postings. I guess thus to really understand someone, you've got to know what he has been through, what is his/her mood that particular time and what is his basic temperament if there is one.

Not to say that I am trying to defend myself and stopping people from reading my blog. On the contrary, I think it is a pleasant thing that someone is reading my blog. If a person do not care about what I think or want to know me better, I don't think he/she would take the trouble to read my blog, unless he/she is the ultimate gossip king/queen though I still don't think people would be that desperate for gossip. For this, I am of course thankful. But, to really know me on the other hand, I still think the nice tuesday nights out chit chat session, or to put it simply face to face conversation, is so much more efficient.

To me, I cannot even say that I fully understand many of my closest friends. Do I really know them inside out? Wouldn't it be frightening to know that someone understands you so much? Perhaps that is why they used the repulsive phrase "du zi li de hui chong". Besides, the beauty of friendships or any relationships for that matter is i think the process of mutual discoveries. For better or for worse, no one is perfect and even if you find some obvious faults with someone, wouldn't forgiving someone for it and understanding him/her in the process much more fulfilling?

Indeed, I think if you cannot say that you understand someone, then what is the point in being angry at someone? Perhaps that someone does not even know he is wrong or he may be thinking that you are really wrong. And how do you know that you are not wrong? In the end, the only one to suffer is you yourself so isn't that not worth the effort? Shouldn't the time spent on being angry and focusing on the misunderstandings be better utilized for trying to understand that person and know why he/she is "so like that?!" That is perhaps why I do think that quarrels are good in life because it is necessary to elevate understanding between two people.

At the very least, you can even make the person understanding him/herself better. And isn't the discovery of self an important part and parcel of life?

much money spent...

2005-02-05T01:18:00.000+08:00

On a lot of mundane things and the money actually should be used for a greater purpose. Shi xiong said that it's normal since it's the New Year but none of the things I bought are really that related. There's Lord of the Rings Return of the King extended version. It's only 69.90 anyways. There's also the bargain 79.90 Romance of the Three Kingdoms DVD set. I only hope it works (in the sense that the video files are really dvd quality instead of vcd quality) but I really liked how it was packaged like a book so I'm fine. Besides, it's a real bargain even if it is vcd-like?

Tried looking for Zebda so that I can actually use it for Derderian's class but HMV does not carry it. Also could not find it in Gramophone but at least they have Cheb Khalid over there. I should have bought his cd. Instead, I purchased Souad Massi, thinking that at least this is one cd with english lyrics. How wrong I was for it turned out that she's Algerian and only moved to France in 1999. Deb (heart-broken) was her second album and there's not a lot of attacks on racism in her tracks. On the other hand, some of the songs are blatantly anti-Algerian government so she may be able to serve as a 1st generational immigrant example but really that should not be the focus of our presentation. Anyways, the cd is actually quite a refreshing change and her vocals are good. I'm glad in that sense because her music somehow made a connection. To psychologists, this may be a reaction to the fact that I spent money and wanted to self-console. Perhaps so but I'll be putting up clips of her songs to at least not make the cd a white elephant haha.

To cap it off, I bought one 3-in-1 of the adventures of Tin Tin. At least my collection is 3 short instead of only having three. Oh well.

Overall though, one should not regret the choices one made for it was already made. What else can you do about it anyways? It's just like the chess session I had with shi xiong this afternoon. When you made a wrong move, there is no point in thinking what a wrong move it was. Instead one should focus on what strategy to adopt to downplay the negative effects of the wrong move made or to even plan to overturn the tides. That's life I guess? Win or lose, you've gotta accept in grace.

And thanks to AKM and WJ for the wonderful and free dinner at Swiss Culture. Haha. I shall unabashedly say that the restaurant is owned by my friend and I simply love the food there! :D

shop till you drop!

2005-02-03T13:23:00.000+08:00

There is nothing, absolutely nothing I hate more than the need to shop for new clothes before Chinese New Year. Before the shopping actually begins, one will first be coerced by dear mrs tan's incessant naggings of "Go buy ... or else ..." Of course, I was bribed into action though frankly the amount given will not even be sufficient to buy a pair of good shoes these days. Nonetheless, to simply keep my mum happy that I'll be wearing new clothes when we go visiting around, off I went to QT shopping centre.

To make this year much more excitable, I got a self-professed expert who is adamant at giving me a makeover to make the trip with me. Alas, it was of not much effect especially when most of the clothes she suggested were simply too flashy for me. Then, the salespersons repeatedly put me off with their rehearsed verses of "Why don't you try size first?" "You can always try before buying." The thing is, I do not like your clothes anyways so why would I even waste my time trying? To this, my friend, as always, offered her words of wisdom. If you don't try, you will not know if a) the cut suits your figure b) the colour suits your skin colour and c)the design suits your face. Hmmm... can't things be a simple pick and go?

Of course, when it comes to buying my books and gadgets, it's never a case of pick and go as I will always look through for chipped corners or bent pages. But these are the things I like and thus I always buy carefully. But I don't like to purposely dress up myself and let people comment so I do not like to buy clothes. Yeah, I know that the Buddha relies on his gold paint and we rely on our clothes but do appearances always count? To this, my friend said that well, you wear to look presentable but as long as you are comfortable with the clothes, it should be fine. When I chose XL instead of L, she then commented that XL is too lok and it's not very nice. Well, I like loose fitting because it is more comfortable so I decided to go my own way. I guess she was quite frustrated by my lack of attention towards buying clothes and I think she failed in her attempt to make me look a bit different even though I did only buy the clothes she approved.

The horrorible experience of course did not end there in QT despite suffering from some dishonest pricing (though I stupidly went ahead with it... don't ask me why). The worst is when mum commented, "Aiyoh, these don't suit you! So Black! No red shirts? White pants again? This one so hard to wash! Why buy slippers again and no shoes? What? Waste $200? %^$#&^$#&^"

Alamak.

Of intellectual whores and nice guys who finish last

2005-01-30T22:49:00.000+08:00

Do nice guys always finish last? Somehow, I stumped upon this website during a frivilous browsing session and I was quite intrigued over what the creator of the site was trying to say. Before labelling him as a loser, wimp and revengeful person, I guess there is perhaps something in his so-called theories afterall that should warrant some attention.

It seemed as if man had but one ladder to place the girls he met on the basis of "How much he would like to have sex with her." On the other hand, the girls have two ladders. "How much she likes to be just friends with him" and "How much she likes to have sex with him". Apparently, the boys suffered here because most tried to jump to the "sex" ladder when all she did was place him at the "friends" ladder. For a more complete analysis, please refer to the site.

Then there is of course the other aspect which is actually the focus of this entry: that of being the intellectual whore.The intellectual whore is born when HE (yes the whore refers to the male) despite not being able to get the sex he wants, still subjects himself to the girls' whims and calls, being their so called, nice sister-sister friend, the intellectual companion and the emotional aunt agony. Looking around at my circle of friends, I cannot help but think quite a number actually fit into this particular model. But do they consider themselves as whores selling themselves? I do not think so. Why are they offering companionship then when they cannot get the sex? Well, they are the really nice new age sensitive guys. Besides, is it all about sex?

Yet, most of them are not attached and I wonder why. Perhaps the creator of the site was right after all. That is if you are too nice, you will be treated as intellectual whores so you should really stop being nice if you want to be considered as a serious contender. But, I will be less cynical and hope that for these friends of mine, it's just that they are too nice for the girls out there now. Wait for a while before the real deal comes in. Nice guys do finish last at times because of the choices they made and the "wrong" image they sometimes project but girls will soon realize that they want not the ones they wanted, but the ones who want them. Yeah, the nice guy do finish and this, I dedicate to my nice guy friends.

Taking things for granted

2005-01-29T13:41:00.000+08:00

Mr Y from 46 was most right in his brilliant assessment of what sort a person I am. Of course, I acted defensively and proceeded to give my own side of the story but since I could not convince myself then, how can I convince others? Thinking through, I began to think he really made a point so here I am putting this in the "public" to serve as a constant reminder.

He said that I have no difficulties making friends because I am straightforward enough but I have difficulties keeping friends because I am too straightforward and thus often took my closed ones for granted. His point of contention is that I no longer restrict myself and strive to portray the best of myself. Instead, I would feel too comfortable and unrestricted in showing my worst, and began to take things for granted. It seemed as if I like to abuse the proclaimation that as friends, we should understand each other enough and forgive each other. But he reminded that this is often not the case because no one can truly and fully understand someone.

He made a most valid point. Looking through what happened this week, I must confess that I acted stupidly in quite a number of situations, not to mention the 'chop-chop' thingy in front of Der's class. All these occurred because I had neither the brains nor heart to realize that sometimes we should take a step back and ponder first before we act. If people are diplomatic, I'm a frank and honest and straightforward person. If people are critical, I would be what you will label an insensitive and tactless person.

I guess I should love myself more and say that I actually did grow up somewhat since if recent events were to happen when I was in the army or before, I would care less. In fact, I would be most militant and insisted that I did not much wrong etc. Now of course, I realized the folly of my ways at least pretty quick enough although that is of course not an excuse! I'm already past my mid life recently if I am unlucky (or perhaps even lucky from other perspectives) so I think I should really try to talk less and think more.

Lastly, I must say that I had a wonderful past three days in the sense that I had made some (hopefully) new friends and (hopefully again) raised the level of some current friendships. (Thanks sz, yc, p, jer, wy, zq, yh, g, akm) This must have been one of the best gifts. Someone close to me commented isn't it tired to maintain friendships at times? I asked why would it be tiring since we are friends? With what happened recently, perhaps I did gain some lessons but acknowledgement is but one aspect. It's time to put into practice what I've preached. Can a leopard truly change its spots? It is perhaps difficult but at least one must try to change if it is for the better. I am not going to be harsh with myself and judge what I am now but I am going to love myself in the sense that I should really try to be a better person.

talking is therapeutic

2005-01-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

Having a cold war is of course damn immaturish simply because keeping silence can never solve the problems at hand. Sometimes you got to beg to talk, say going on your knees, buying a present or just simply a simple sorry. But the bottomline is you have to talk because if you do not talk, there is no way the situation will improve.

Hence, I'm very grateful to the Bedok people aka sz and yc who actually wasted 6 precious hours of their youth to accompany old uncle me on tuesday night. Then the Serangoon people aka boi2 and elf who wasted 6 hours too on thursday night. Apart from being tormented by my expressionistic face and raging emotions, they are further subjected to a somewhat depressive self. I just hope it did not bother them too much though. Perhaps I think too much yet again but in this case, this would actually be favourable.

Admittedly, I am not having a good temperament these days. I should be lucky that I have some great friends but it seems as if I am in an abusive sort of mood. Already, I am afraid of going back to the unit in case I cannot control. G and D asked me out on friday but I refused using lack of funds and study as reasons. That's of course only partially true. In truth, I did not like going out to celebrate something when I don't feel right and when I am not in a celebratory mood. Same as H's birthday dinner on the same evening. Just don't feel right in going and showing a sulking face.

It's wierd but I actually enjoyed going to school more and more these days. At least there is an honours room around to TCSS but as work piles up, the mood had become that less jovial. Perhaps that is the reason why I am abhoring work and with that the "nefarious" (though admittedly in a scholarly and benign kind of way) Dr D. I cannot even understand why I flared up against boi over Dr D. No point, no use and stupid beyond description.

I guess I should be happy though. At least I can still recognize some of these issues and exercise mindful restraints. Just wish I the negativity that I had been piling up over the past 7 months do not explode. Yeah I talked and its therapeutic. But how long can such a therapy last? Perhaps as long as there is a willing ear. And with that, I am thankful I had quite a lot of them.

Life is truly beautiful especially when you see the clouds drift away to reveal the warm sun.

cold war

2005-01-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

I will have mine.

It's only a breakup for god's sake!

2005-01-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

Some cried foul and do all their best to salvage the relationship, going back to the dumper like a stupid dog. Others wallow in self pity and fall into a serious bout of depression even if their dumper are having a hell of a time with possibly a new lover or celebrating singlehood again. It's only a breakup for god's sake! And certainly not the end of the world!

I feel like hitting that idiot but I am not so stupid to give him a chance to charge me with a crime of causing grievous hurt. I cannot disown him for I am neither his father nor his mother. I wanted to absolve myself of all responsibilities but somehow the SAF keeps on coming to me and doing so will only burden my poor mum. So, I'll be a weakling and make my complaints right here to let out steam!

So in the end, he cut his student cards, lost his SAF card, refused to talk, running away from everyone and anyone and leaving his family with a 40K debt. It is ok if he is repentent, if he knows how to start life anew but still thinking of revenge? Hating everyone? Yeah, what a born loser. Even when friends come to talk to him, he ran away. When the SAF personnel came today, he ran off again apparently trying to hide. Come monday, if he escapes, its the DB for him.

In the end, I failed in being an elder brother. I failed to make things more easy to him, I failed to communicate to him. Every elders are piling the blaming question of "did you talk to him?" "did you not advise him?" "did you not COMMUNICATE?" Come on! Communications is two ways and he's not opening his bloody mouth. Ok, I did fail. If not, I would not have got angry at him.

It's only a failed relationship. I had my fair share of rejections, a lot in retrospect. But I think, must show them that I can live with it, even better. To all of you out there, see my bro as a cautionary tale and show them who's boss the next time. Make the dumper feel that dumping you is a loss!

chweekuey's world of cai por is number 1 result on google!

2005-01-12T02:37:00.000+08:00

Yes. It is affirmed. If you search for the word chweekuey in google, (without the space of course) you will find this site as the definitive number 1 result. While this is of course not exactly something to be immersely proud of, I am nonetheless excited because it is concrete proof that I have friends out there who truly cared about me; sufficiently anyways; to fork out a few minutes of their precious time to read through this blog.

Thank you all.

Opening up

2005-01-12T01:35:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I do not like to open up. Yes, I like company and I love to talk but if I were to be alone doing simply one particular thing, with just me and myself, I will not feel uncomfortable in any sort of way. But, it is also most true that I do not like crowds. I hate the yuppies at Orchard and I most certainly will get defensive in front of girls. One of my best friend said that's a sign of insecurity because of the self protection I set up. In other words, I do not go around talking, flirting with or just being around girls because according to her, I do not like to get hurt etc in the future. Hence, most girls would think that I am just a typical introverted nerd which does has its elements of truth.

But frankly, I just don't like to open my bloody mouth. So what? I am just not interested to make friends with you and it is my individual rights that I choose to exercise. Of course I have some great gal friends but most of them seemed to be less of a typical girl (and if you are reading, gal friends of mine, please forgive me lol!). Yes, I do not like the very demure types. Neither do I like those very dei kind. I digressed too much, the topic is supposed to be about opening up anyways.

No doubt, I am naggy. I can only say sorry to all of u dear ones that fortunately or unfortunately, you people are the only ones I could turn to so I will come to you. I can only say I treasure all of you, hence I talk to you and I open myself up to you. Otherwise, I would not even make the effort to say hi to you. Perhaps that is why the test I did at Jer's blog revealed me as an ice prince because that is just what I am, cool to the outsiders, a bit too warm for comfort for those people who knew me well.

So, if you are expecting that I will say everything about my past, my feelings and many other things truly emotional, I must say sorry that I am not able to do so. Simply because I do not really like opening up and those who I feel that should know about what happened had knew. But I do like to share some of my thoughts on current affairs and other more generic affairs. Paradoxically, it is a form of opening up, just that I am still keeping a distance and not getting that personal with you.

My choice, my words, my say. But one fact remains, I will warm up. Just give me time.

We LOVE to gamble!!!

2005-01-09T20:08:00.000+08:00

Example 1:

When The Unbeatables and God of Gamblers were in vogue, everyone was either practicing their dice or changing mahjong tiles. Poker cards were even stapled together so that you can emulate the "expert" shuffling.

Example 2:

Mr A: What's this?
Mr B: A new chut chut chut. Only one dollar and you can win $10,000!
Mr A immediately buys $5 worth and slowly scratches. He won $2 and wanted to change the money but the teller said that he can get two more tickets. This, Mr A did.

Example 3:

MacDonald's in Singapore pushed the panic button for a lack of fries. Apparently, many of their customers purchased fries to get a scratch & win coupin to win a plasma TV or XBOX set. What they got however is a free ice-cream cone with every EVM purchased.

Example 4:

Lady A: I learnt how to play this since I was 7 years old
Gentleman B: Well, at 5, I was sitting besides my uncle watching them play
Gentleman C: Before birth, my mum said that she already tried to teach me how to play and learnt I did! Whenever she hu pai, I would kick her.

Example 5:

At an idyllic train station now revamped into a hotel. The sun is rising and the wind gentle. Three men are sitting around the corridor engaging in an intellectual activity.
Mr F: Early morning gambling again?!

Example 6:

Fan A: Referee kayu!!!! How can he not allow the goal? Cost my team 3 points!
And it also cost him 300 bucks.

Example 7:

At a typical funeral, mahjong sets and poker cards are necessities.

Example 8:

A traffic accident occurred.
Mr A: Excuse me excuse me!!!
Everyone thinking he's a doctor or certified first aider, the public certainly did.
Mr A: Hello! Ah Long ah, Si Kong Luc Yeo! Gor Dua Gor Suay!

Example 9:

Host A: So please donate generously.
Mrs B: Ah boy ah, kar dian wei. Win the car good!

Example 10:

We simply love this place. It has a cool climate, is atmospheric and away from the city. You feel like you are on top of the world being with the clouds.
Ching! And best of all, got jackpot!

So why do we have all of a sudden about 20,000+ signatures to stop a casino from being built in Singapore?